Last night I went to bed with a heavy heart. Emotion from the past 3 weeks of my life had built up like the water at the Hoover Dam and when my head hit the pillow the massive concrete barrier exploded and the emotion rushed out in a current of sobs. I admitted to myself the fear that was welling up inside the moment the shock wore off after landing safely at home back in Houston.
I didn’t die…but that only means that it isn’t my ‘time’…which means I’m not ready. My purpose isn’t done.
Yeah, yeah, I know you are all like ‘DUH!…you’ve SAID that!’…BUT I realized that maybe I needed to look at this in a different perspective. My purpose isn’t done because I am not yet ready. I still have a whole lot of work to be done on myself.
Ugh – I mean I KNOW this, I have been working on myself diligently every day but for some reason this was hitting a new chord. As I cried all of the areas in which I’ve fallen over the past few years reared their ugly heads and before I knew it my mind began to go back to the moment on the plane, that moment of peace and suddenly I felt FEAR. Fear of death – again.
NO… do you realize how liberating it was 9 years ago to finally be RID of that fear of death?
Before I gave myself entirely to God my biggest fear was dying young. It began after Joe (aka: Matt in the book) died. I had a ‘feeling’ I would die young. But for the past 9 year that never bothered me. I was READY to go. To be with Him. And even though I do still feel this way suddenly I felt that old fear emerge and thought, “Where will I be when it REALLY happens?”.
Such dangerous thoughts!
Then my mind jumped to all the other ways in which I’ve allowed itty bitty actions and reactions of my ‘old’ self to seep back in and I let the tears fall in true humility and sorrow.
Eventually Neal walked in (I thought he’d heard me) but he went into the bathroom and I heard him take his shot…which just sent me into another bout of gut wrenching heaves (once he left the room) as I felt sorry for him and what he has to go through and then again how selfish I feel.
WHEW…it reminded me of what I envisioned our ancestors in the Old Testament doing when they ‘wailed and tore at their clothes’.
In the end, when I was done with my pitty party I felt the God holding me through it all.
I have a prayer card given to me by the Sisters of Carmel and in that moment I recalled these verses:
“I am your God…and I arrange all for your happiness; if you do not understand now, one day you shall see clearly…
I am your God…I truly love you…I know all that grieves you…I see every glance, I hear every word that pains you…
Accept all with tranquility and peace, because I Myself have allowed and ordered all; you, be faithful to Me and persevere, and I shall reward you for all.”
To this I hold Him to be TRUE.
And today, I awoke lighter, better, and ready to ‘persevere’.
Blessings
Shannon