The night was black as ink except for the pencil ray beam from my headlights guiding my way along the long dirt road. This road went forever, curving left then right then left and straight…at one point I thought for sure it led to no where. My nerves were in a bundle and driving into an abyss that reminded me of the backdrop to Texas Chainsaw Massacre didn’t help. I began to pray about how I would open up the talk for the evening. What do you say to 200 incarcerated women who are in prison for various offenses ranging from selling drugs to murder? I had plenty of time to allow different scenarios run through my mind…none of which deemed appropriate. 😉 Finally, I said out loud, “Okay, God…what is my direction. What is your goal for this evening?”
Then I heard it as much as I felt it in my heart. “These are my daughters, they are my beloved too. They long for love and they long to know their worth just like you do.”
Absolutely. Dignity of life.
My nerves began to untangle … but I was still nervous. I was searched, checked in and then headed back through the massive prison yard to the chapel. The prison actually holds 2500 prisoners, only 200 had the ‘privilege’ to attend. I was greeted by a few women dressed in loose white uniforms. I’m guessing they have higher privilege’s for good behavior because it was their ‘job’ to set up and it was suddenly like I was at any venue. They were asking me to check the microphone and if I needed anything. Slowly other women dressed in the same white uniform began to trickle in and they came up to me, shaking my hand, telling me ‘Thank you for being here.” My heart calmed, my nerves were gone. I don’t know what I expected to see. Their crime had already been committed.
More and more women came in and a few of them had already read my book because the chaplain had brought 7 copies to keep in the library. They came up to me hugging me, wanting to ask questions and giving me praise that if I didn’t have to keep standing would have sent me to the floor on my knees in gratitude. I know more than anyone, these women know the pain I experienced. Before I began to speak it became even clearer that most of these women had probably been abused in some fashion in their life which inadvertently (or not) caused them to act out and make the decisions they made. I know this from experience. It is only by the GRACE of God that I did not ‘snap’ and get myself caught in a predicament that would have led me to wear the white uniform.
I opened by acknowledging what God brought to my attention. That they are women of worth, that they are His beloved and they deserved my respect. I was honored to be there.
I am not bragging, please do not take it as such, but that was probably the best talk I gave…ever. Because I knew they knew what I was talking about in every aspect of my journey. I was even led to speak of things I certainly don’t speak to with teens and have not yet had the guts to talk about to a typical ‘woman’ or mixed audience. But I knew I needed to with them so they could relate.
My prayer was that they would not hear me but hear God. I do believe He came through. There are many stories I heard last night but the final one set it home for me as to why God has called me to do this. The prison guard was becoming very stern about getting back to their cells but this woman held on to talk to me last. Through her tears she said, “My cousin molested me. I have never told anyone until right now. As you were talking I realize that I’ve been trying to find the love that I thought he was giving me because when he molested me it was attention. I would do bad things to get attention. That’s why I’m here. I don’t want to do those things anymore. I want to be in the light like you said. I don’t want my cousin to have that hold on me anymore. Thank you for showing me my worth.”
Whew……..
I praise YOU Lord Jesus Christ. Praise YOU for allowing her…them…to SEE YOU.
Blessings
Shannon