A few questions and situations have already been rolling in for advice. A few can end up being deep in content yet are so general I know by answering them I could swirl up a huge hornets nest. I was trying to figure out a way to get to one of these when my cousin sent me an email this morning forwarding me a eulogy I wrote for her son in 2003. It dawned on me that just by sharing the reflection on what his life meant to me also answered one of the touchy questions I was going to tackle today:
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Dear Shannon,
Someone that I am very close to is pregnant. We are all very excited for her but we are worried as well. She has had many complications with her past pregancies. She’s miscarried three times, was able to carry one pregnancy to term three years ago, and was pregnant again one year later but the baby had some issues and at four months she lost the baby. Now that she is pregnant again she is talking about getting tests done to see if this pregnancy has the same issues. I am worried that the tests alone will harm the baby and what if she does find out there could be something wrong? My fear is she’ll want to terminate. I know that these are her and her husband’s decisions and I can’t imagine what the pain must have been for her when she lost her child but I know that the life she is carrying now is just as precious. Is there anything I can say that might change her mind and allow her to see that this baby is a gift no matter how long she has him/her and whether or not it is ‘normal’?
Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Sincerely,
Despairing
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Dear Despairing,
You are not alone. I’m sure if your friend knew you were ‘desparing’ over her decisions she would tell you that she is in desperation too. It is hard to put ourselves in the position she is in because unless we have gone through it we do not know the fear she has at this moment. Our best defense in situations such as this is to PRAY. Pray hard. Pray for this unborn baby and pray that her decision will change when it comes time to make that decision to get the tests done. If she comes to you to talk about her decision then she has opened the line of communication and she would be more apt to receiving what you have to say in the matter because she instigated the dialogue. However, if you go to her and impress upon her your fears without truly knowing where she is in her decision making then you stand to have her close up because you will then feel like a threat.
This is a touchy situation because my religious beliefs (as well as my emotional understanding) state that this is a life, regardless of one day of conception or nine months gestation and any life is relevant. I will pray with you that God reaches the depths of your friend’s emotional understanding and impresses upon her the relevance of this child, along with all of the children that she has lost.
I’d like to also include something I wrote about a cousin of mine. His name was Thor. When his mom had him she thought he was ‘normal’ but four months after he was born it was obvious something wasn’t quite right. Many tests followed this observation and it came to be known Thor would never be ‘normal’. I do not recall the proper ‘technical’ term of what he had but I do remember it was brain related. He would never be able to walk, talk, or eat solids. No one knew if he would understand you when you spoke to him, or he were ever to feel emotion. He was only to live to be four, then twelve and beyond that he was a miracle because every day he lived he defied the odds. I believe he was 22 when he passed. What I recall the most about Thor is that he changed his mother’s life for the better.
I hope this advice helps as well as Thor’s story.
Blessings
Shannon
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October 8, 2003
I just received a phone call that I had been expecting year after year, day after day, since before I was even in my own teenage years…the phone call that would let me know my cousin, Thor, had passed on. After nearly more than ten years of defying the odds and living well past any year his doctor’s gave him, Thor finally achieved his purpose in life and was granted his freedom.
And I have no tears of sorrow, only those of thankfulness.
Once I hung up the phone a vision came to me. It is Thor, standing…yes, standing tall, with his impish grin on his kind, gentle freckly face. He stands, possibly with his hands in his pockets, not reserved, just confident. He is happy…he is free. The soul that had been given the duty to stay in a useless body is now able to look down over those he has touched and bask in the work he has done.
We all struggle in our own lives to search for our purpose, for what life means to us. We go from day to day struggling against God to do what WE want to do, what WE feel is best for us and just HAS to be our direction. Thor could simply exist, could defy medical odds, could give his frequent wide grins and change a life in a moment. His existence was a lesson of endurance, love and hope. Thor was blessed with the purpose of simply existing and with each year he was able to touch someone new, to direct them away from their inner struggle and open their eyes to the blessings they’d already been given.
Of course, I’m speaking for everyone and maybe I shouldn’t do that. I was very young when Thor was born, just about eight years old I believe. I was around him a lot the first five years of his life and I know that by having Thor to love, to watch grow and live life in a body that would never walk, never speak, never eat a McDonald’s hamburger or taste Blue Bell ice cream, it gave me the gift of acceptance. I accepted Thor for Thor. I overlooked the obvious and spoke to him as if he was sitting up and talking back to me. I remember often holding his hand or touching his arm, staring at his face wondering what he could be thinking. He always seemed to have a since of humor. Did he ever want to back off because I had bad breath? Was he ever thinking “Good Lord, Shannon, eat a mint before you lean in and talk to me!” Did he ever want to break free from the chain of his body and want to jump up and down saying, “Just kidding! It was just a joke, I’m fine!” Did he ever want to reach up and wipe away the dozens of tears that his mom shed over him as she asked God WHY did this have to be done to my baby?
Sadly, the years went by and I grew more into myself as Thor stayed the same. I saw less and less of him and each year I’d think, “I’m going to go visit Thor. He probably doesn’t even remember me but I need to see him.” And each year I allowed the opportunity to pass because in a way I knew that a part of him did realize the absence of those he’d become to know. I KNEW he could love, I KNEW he could remember and I KNEW we had a connection that I had broken. I had taken the gift he had given me as a child and allowed the world to take it away. Instead of feeling comfortable in his presence I was ashamed because I was afraid to see him, and to have him recognize me and wonder, “Where have YOU been all these years?”
But, thankfully, I did visit him. Just this summer and all my fears were instantly washed away with his smile. And as we left his room that day, his mom expressed beautifully what Thor had done for her in her life and I thought how awesome to have given birth to such an angel of God.
So, no, I don’t have tears of sorrow. Thor accomplished way more in the more than twenty years of life than any one of us struggle to achieve in one day. He touched and changed dozens of lives and all he had to do was to exist and to smile.
Thank you, Lord, for giving us the gift of Thor’s life. I know he is beside you celebrating his freedom and looking down on those he loved filled with pride.