Seven years ago I underwent an emergency surgery that took not only an internal organ from my body but it took away a possibility. I’ve managed to deal with the loss rather well, giving it up to God and justifying the fact of the possibility loss is only due to it not being in ‘our’ plan. But now I suffer the longing of the possibility that is lost.
Have you ever had a dream so vivid that when you wake up it feels as if you never had been asleep? Regardless of how impossible or strange the dream may have been the feelings and emotions were so raw and deep that they carried over into your reality?
I still remember the dream I had Sunday night (or would it have been Monday morning?). I found that I was suddenly pregnant. The way I found this out is because I had noticed a bulge in my stomach and through my skin I could see the arms, hands, fingers and at one point the entire form of a baby pressed against my skin. My heart pounded and I said out loud, “I can’t be pregnant! I don’t have a uterus!” I found my way to the doctor (in the dream I believe I blinked and I was there). I was holding my stomach where the baby was and I was certain if I let go it would not survive. “How did this happen?” I asked and “What is it attached to?” In the dream the doctor explained it was a very rare case but that there was a possibility of getting pregnant even though I had a hysterectomy. I still had my ovaries and the fertilized egg had implanted on my stomach wall. (This is my DREAM people…so remember…NOT REALITY). However, the baby wouldn’t be able to survive to full term this way. Because I had no uterus the baby was pressed up against my stomach wall and I could see its entire form. I saw that it was a little girl. Neal and I always wanted a little girl. I went from doctor to doctor trying to figure out a way to save this baby. It was my last chance to have our baby.
And I woke up. Now I can’t stop thinking about babies. The dream felt so real that I nearly Googled to see if that could truly happen. Could I get pregnant even though I had a hysterectomy? And then I’d remember that it wasn’t possible regardless. Sometimes the enemy likes to haunt you with decisions and mistakes even decades after you’ve been forgiven and renewed.
So I turn to prayer. That is the only way to knock out the enemy when he tries to get you down with the past because he has nothing on you in the present.
With any remnant of guilt from the past or wistfulness that I had with the hysterectomy gone I still feel the longing of having a baby. But my time clock is broken. 🙁
Maybe Hopeful Hearts Ministry IS my baby and I’m going through new momma anxiousness and excitement? Maybe God still has more in store for Neal and I than I realize? Maybe I have been watching too many E*Trade commercials. 😉 Maybe…
And maybe this is why Jesus says, “But seek first the kingdom (of God) and his righteousness,and all these things will be given you besides. Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. Sufficient for a day is its own evil.” Matthew 6:33-34
And He quickly brings me back to the excitement of taking life one day at a time and receiving the blessings as they come.
Blessings
Shannon