God is faithful.
“Help my unbelief!” I cried out…lost in the thickness and wretchedness of self-sorrow. Even as I felt it I knew how wrong and vile this behavior was, yet I was uncertain why I was even feeling this way. It was not who I am or who I wanted to be.
A few days ago I got caught up in envy. I prayed about it. I had my ‘fit’ with God. I asked others to pray for me. It wasn’t until I pushed past my pride and listened that I found my answer. Even though I ‘envied’ I didn’t really want what I envied. Which is why I was so perplexed by my strong feelings. Finally, after a long meeting with some Godly women that are co-directors with me on a retreat we have coming up next week I asked them to pray for me.
One of these women has an amazing gift of intercession. She said, “Okay, sit down. I’ll pray over you now.” I was embarrassed. We had already been meeting for 4 hours and I didn’t want to take more of her time. But she insisted and everyone gathered around me as I sat on the couch. She sat silent for a moment, calling on the wisdom of the Holy Spirit and then she prayed lifting us all up and then focusing on my troubled spirit. She had this vision: “I see a young girl standing in the middle of a crowded place where everyone has many places to go. Like Disneyland. She is standing there in the middle of this crowded place and she is looking for her Father but she is frozen because she can’t find him. There are too many directions she can go and she doesn’t know which to follow so she stands frozen. Her Father is there, he is sitting close by behind a tree watching her. He is waiting on her to focus and realize he isn’t that far away.”
She then looked at me and said, “You have to keep your eyes trained on God that way you always have sight of him and never lose him in the confusion. Even if there are so many things going on around you, so many places you can go or so many other people doing other things you will not get lost because you will have your eyes on God. As long as you keep focused on him and never turn your gaze you know you won’t lose your identity or confused by what everyone else is doing.”
I won’t lose my identity. That struck my spirit deep and tears welled up. One of the other women spoke up, “Shannon, that’s it. You have had so many changes happening in these past few months. I’m sure it has been confusing for you.”
I nodded. She’s right. And then it dawned on me. I’d been a youth minister for over a decade. Focusing on teens and helping them. Now I know God is calling me to take my ministry in a new direction focusing on ALL AGES, those who have suffered and to bring them hope. I am still who he created me to be and I will still minister to teens but now I’m being called to go beyond that one direction and to expand and grow. I’m no longer ‘defined’ as the youth minister at St. Martha’s.
I was having an identity crisis. I prayed about this as I went to bed and that next morning I woke up certain of who I am and what God is calling me to. I’d known the direction he was taking me but I was getting lost in all of the other directions I had been in and what others were still asking of me and then looking at where others were going that at one time I had been but now wasn’t invited. I had taken my eyes off of him and got confused and lost, thankfully, only for a brief moment. 😉
To have my eyes trained on him I suddenly felt certain of my ministry and what he is asking. As I gear for the re-release of EXPOSED and finish working on REDEEMED I know God has his plan and it’s the only plan I need to worry about.
I asked, he delivered. 🙂 (But I had to listen!)
Blessings
Shannon