On this Good Friday I find that I finally have the courage to write about my honest confusion. When I reflect upon what Jesus went through 2000+ years ago and about the torture, ridicule, suffering and ultimate death that he endured during this three day period I look at my own life and the battle I suffer with how I am to react to certain situations going on around me.
What is it Jesus is calling me to as he hung on the cross in great agony? What is the truth of his words as he cried out, “Forgive them Lord, they know not what they do.” Luke 23:34 ?
It is my prayer that the Holy Spirit grant me the wisdom to articulate what it is that I feel called to share.
You see, my struggle is in this battle we seem to have with defending our morals and beliefs vs destroying someone’s spirit and trying to define when it is we are called to reach out with love rather than react with hate?
For instance, there is a great battle going on with legalizing same sex marriage vs. keeping the sanctity of marriage as directed by Christian beliefs between a man and woman. This is where I get confused because it no longer becomes a ‘defend vs. destroy’ battle but rather a ‘love or hate’ battle. We can take the stand and choose to vote and NOT accept same sex marriage but do we need to boycott companies ultimately affecting thousands of families? How far do we take this stand?
You see, my younger sister is gay. She was once married and has three little boys but the marriage ended in divorce. Not long after the divorce she came out to our family. This was about three years ago.
My initial reaction was bewilderment. I can’t say I had no clue but I can say that it just wasn’t on my radar. Then came the battle I’ve been referring to… she asked if she could bring the woman she was involved with to a Christmas gathering. My reaction was to be on the defensive. My boys were young, they barely grasped getting over their uncle no longer being in the picture, how do I introduce a romantic involvement between my sister and another woman when they didn’t even know about sex yet? And what should my reaction be when I both love my sister but believe strongly in the faith and morals that God is calling me to? Set aside that I am a public figure teaching about these beliefs not only with my words but with my actions (and reactions)?
My response was to talk with my sister and be honest about how I felt and this situation. I told her I loved her but to please give it some time before making it obvious to my boys. She respected my wish. Another family member was not so thrilled with my request. I was yelled at, accused of ‘just being religious’ and that I was a fool to think my kids didn’t know about these things yet. I’m no fool. What got to me was I was being told that I couldn’t have my opinion…that I had to adhere to their opinion despite the fact I was trying my best to love and accept even when it was uncomfortable and this person couldn’t take the time to see my side even when my sister could.
Over the next few years I struggled with this new dynamic. My oldest son, having known more than my youngest, obviously figured it out and we had a great discussion about our call to love and the church’s teaching on ‘not condoning the sin but loving the sinner’. There are still a few things I don’t back down from because it goes against my moral beliefs and what Neal and I agree is the way to set an example for the boys. For instance, I don’t believe they should stay in the same room in my home when visiting…if they were a male and female couple and not married I would have the same request.
Now, my sister and her girlfriend might read this and be upset at that statement because recently they have had a commitment ceremony. Not legal in Texas but to them it is all the same. They even introduce each other as ‘my wife’. Is this hard for me? Yes. Absolutely.
This is where the confusion really sets in. I love my sister. I love my nephews. I even have grown very fond of her girlfriend, she is a great person, great to my sister, great to my nephews and to us as a family. I don’t hate her. I don’t despise her. I don’t wish her harm. Can I call them ‘wife and wife’? No. Why? Because it goes against my moral fiber.
Do I think same sex marriage should be legalized? No. But will I boycott a company that is supporting the laws of their local government? No. If I did that would be harming the many people who have jobs with this company (including a friend of mine) who are supporting families in this tough economy.
Here is my issue. I do believe we should take a stand about the issues against human life. Is it affecting a person or group of people? We take a stand against abortion – BUT don’t hate the young woman who aborted. Love her and help her find her way to forgiveness and the loving arms of Christ. We take a stand against abuse (rape, sexual, physical, emotional abuse) – BUT don’t become a vengeful people, reach out to the victims and offer an ear so they can expose their experience, be a hand to guide them out of the enemy’s snare, be a shoulder for them to cry on. Take a stand against genocide. Take a stand against human trafficking. Take a stand against hunger. Take a stand against poverty.
But can I say I’ll ‘take a stand’ against same sex marriage? I guess when it hits so close to home it is hard to say yes even when I’m sure many of you are yelling right now, “Yes! Of course! You are Catholic! The enemy is using this as a way to continue defiling society’s moral fiber! What about the Sacrament of Marriage? Is anything not held sacred?” Yes, yes, I know…which is why when it is so close to home it is so hard to find the line.
And this is when I feel like I’m on that cross with Christ, my heart breaking with love, “Forgive them Lord, they know not what they do.”
I won’t change my sister, and I certainly won’t change her girlfriend. And I won’t allow this to become a family feud that tears a family apart, ostracizing me from my sister, my boys from their cousins and splitting an already torn family into shreds.
But I will love. I will continue to get to know my sister’s significant other and hopefully she and I together can continue to find that common ground we’ve already touched upon. I will continue to be who I am and believe what I believe and hold true to the Catholic teachings. And the greatest of these is to love:
He (Jesus) said to him,“You shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the greatest and the first commandment. The second is like it:You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” Matthew 22:37-39
Enjoy this blessed Easter weekend and may you be surrounded with His love and peace.
Blessings
Shannon