Shame has kept me from writing for a few days. I suffered what I would call a spiritual, mental and emotional relapse a few days ago. As I’ve mentioned what we go through around here with medical issues it brings with it an air of volatility that if not careful can unleash the worse in everyone in our home.
At least that’s what happened to me. Even though I know it’s the medication Neal is on I couldn’t help but be triggered by the irrational behavior and blow up falling back into screaming to be heard and to prove a point. The only redeeming move I made was to recognize that I had lost every sense of my own rational behavior and left to go for a walk to bring myself back. On that walk I prayed and prayed…and prayed some more. By the time I came back to the house I was still covered in shame and went to bed to force myself into the next day.
The following morning I recognized the feeling of self-disgust and quickly put it to prayer. I was better than the behavior and all I needed to do was get back up, seek forgiveness and start again. I gathered everyone, including Neal, into the living room and apologized, recognizing that it was inappropriate not only for me to have yelled but for Neal and I to do that in front of the kids. We both then assured them we were fine and as a family we prayed together. Thankfully by the end of that morning Neal and I both conceded to our fault (regardless of medication at fault) and agreed we need to come up with a plan to not discuss certain things while he is under the influence of this medication.
That evening I had an engagement to speak to the incarcerated women at Plane State Penitentiary that I nearly canceled. However, I knew there was no way to get in touch with the people running the program so I had to keep the commitment. On my drive I prayed asking God to please guide me because I felt with what I’d just come out of that there was nothing I could offer to these women that evening. I prayed that regardless of me and my personal failings that God would reach them where they needed most. On my drive in the pitch dark I ran over a dead cat and got lost twice. Each time I was tempted to turn the car around and give up. Then it dawned on me…how much He must really love them because what an ATTACK I’d been going through that nearly kept me from joining them that night.
Before I knew it I was within the triple-barbed wire fences, walking to the chapel area and then surrounded by 200+ women. And with every visit I make to this prison I’m reminded once again that there is nothing that separates me from them, not even the barbed wire. My heart filled with love and I opened with honesty. I told them I had fallen, the shame it made me feel and the attack I felt I was under because God had a message He wanted me to deliver to them…and how MUCH He loves them because the enemy was working in overdrive to keep them from hearing it. A lot of ‘Amens’ were mumbled through the group and I could see some lean forward and for the first time that I’ve been there no personal whispering or side conversations in the beginning. I began with the truth. That God loves them and that we all make our mistakes but we get back up and come back to Him and WHO HE CREATED US TO BE.
The night flowed and I quickly was reminded of why it is I love to be with these women and that is because they are at a place where they can only look up and I get that and they get me. It is my desire that they know their worth and know that when they do get out that they can overcome their past and go forward and fulfilling the true purpose of the life God has given to each of them. I was swamped in the end not only with thanks and hugs but with their ideas of what they feel God is calling them to, their plans, their future, their hope.
This morning in Mass, Fr. Alfonso gave one of the most riveting homilies I’ve heard in awhile. He pointed out that Christ will come again in the second coming but in the Gospel of Mark (Mark 13:24-32) the word is for us today. In our lifetime we will experience the darkness of our ‘sun and moon’ and our world will feel like it has ended but the promise of The Lord is that He will come in GLORY to be our savior. Sometimes we need to go through the darkness to see the true light.
Blessings
Shannon
