A few days ago I mentioned I realized something I needed to work on was ‘loving thy self’. You might be thinking how is it that I can believe God, know Him, trust Him and even feel worthy of His grace and redemption but yet not love myself? Well, that is a good question which is why I brought it up in spiritual direction today with Fr. Michael.
It has plagued me ever since Neal looked at me and asked that very question: “How is it you clearly believe in God, trust in His providence and lead others to His healing and grace but yet it’s as if this one issue (of fully embracing the gift of sexuality in a loving marriage) is something you think is beyond His capabilities? Or is it you don’t want to receive the healing?”
Stumped. I was honestly stumped. There is nothing more I’d want than to feel ‘normal’ in that particular issue. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not bad…Neal wasn’t saying that (I hope! 🙂 ) it’s just that after 17 years of marriage he knows that I keep myself from receiving this joy. Others who have gone through what I’ve been through understand.
Problem is, once I began to chew on this a bit I recognized other areas in my life that I keep myself receiving redeemed joy not because I don’t believe God and all as said above but because I know me, I know my thoughts at times, I know my sins and I judge myself before I allow anyone else to judge me. I also persecute and sentence myself before anyone else can which leads me to stopping short of fully receiving the promise of redemption.
Can you follow the madness? 😉
“It is a mystery, isn’t it?” Fr. Michael had answered in response to this very same train of thought. “First of all I don’t have a magic spell or ‘to do’ list that can bring you to this place of feeling and embracing your full redemption. You know you are worth it and you know you have it but for some reason (only God knows) you might not fully embrace it till the day you are in His glory in heaven. God has even asked you to lead others to it but maybe having these little struggles is part of what keeps you who you are and where you need to be so as not to go inward on your journey.”
He continued, “You are in your head and it’s good that you recognize these moments but now it’ll be about stopping the wheel before it begins rolling.”
I know it’s odd but this was a revelation. Yes, much of this is still learning to recognize ‘triggers’ – oh the triggers – all abuse survivors I’m sure can relate – but it is also about embracing the redemptive promise and remaining in the humility of its wisdom and understanding which, therefore, is the mystery of God.
I might have thoroughly confused you but I feel understood and even more loved by God. 🙂
Blessings
Shannon