I had a bit of an ‘a ha’ moment today. It took the day for it to happen but it was a good revelation. I spent the entire morning at Texas Women’s Hospital getting the second diagnostic mammogram. I didn’t realize I would actually be at the hospital. When I was redirected from the OGA building to the hospital my once calm pulse sped up.
Laurie, a girlfriend of mine, went with me and we both thought it odd that they didn’t specify the process before I arrived. Before I could get the mammogram I was registered in the system and had an ID bracelet taped around my wrist. If it didn’t remind me of the multiple stays in the hospital I’ve had in my life it might not have been so unnerving.
The mammogram waiting room was tiny so Laurie was told she’d have to wait for me in the lobby. She had asked if I wanted the company when I made the appointment and I didn’t realize till she was told to go wait how much I appreciated having her there for comfort. Again, I wasn’t expecting anything earth shattering to happen and I had a good outlook but the process was intimidating.
I’ll admit, my mind might have been also doing a number on me. The night before I felt an ache in the breast in question in a certain area and up until then I had put aside any speculation and let it go. After a 30 minute wait with a cloth over my exposed chest sitting in a waiting room with other exposed and vulnerable women I was called into the room for the mammogram.
On the wall I saw the pictures of my left breast and could see the calcification in question. Sure enough the formation sloped down in the very area that I’ve felt the irritation. The technician was gentle, quick and reassuring. The next step was for the radiologist to read the new digital film and either ask me back in for an ultrasound or I’d be done.
Another 30 minute wait and the technician popped into the waiting from and motioned for me to join her. We went into a room and she said the radiologist found the calcification was suspicious but appeared to be benign. But he wanted me back in 6 months to see if there was any new growth or formation change. I asked if an ultrasound would make it more definite and she explained that calcifications don’t show up on an ultrasound because they are not dense. “He said they looked benign so that’s good. When you come back in 6 months hopefully nothing will change and then you can go back to once a year.”
I was happy and at the same time unsettled. Happy that it appeared to be benign and no issue, which I’m sure it is, but unsettled that it is ‘suspicious’ and what if it did grow in the 6 months? What if I could’ve done something earlier?
Laurie was happy to hear the news but when she saw that I wasn’t elated she asked what was wrong. “I wish it were more definite,” I said. “I’ve had another abnormal mammogram and the issue was an infected milk duct or something like that. When they told me I felt relief and it wasn’t an issue. I don’t feel relief right now.”
Later I was in contact with some friends who have survived and are surviving breast cancer and unanimously they told me to go to MDA for a second opinion. I fretted over this for a good part of the afternoon because I grappled with feeling like I was looking for something to be wrong if I got a second opinion. My friend who is going through the end of her struggle with breast cancer now said, “Which would you rather be, relieved that it’s nothing and you can know for sure because MDA has better resources or regretting you didn’t do it in 6 months if they tell you there is something new?”
As crazy as this will sound it wasn’t so much about what the actual mammogram will read that left me in a quandary, it was knowing I want the second opinion because I don’t feel at ease with the first because I need something more definite and then wondering if I had a right to want the second opinion. Make sense?
If it doesn’t then it means you are blessed. If it does make sense then I know you join me in the struggle to overcome years of feeling ‘I don’t matter’. The ‘a ha’ moment was recognizing this thought for what it is – a lie. Can you believe it’s taken nearly 40 years to get it? 😉 I made the request for an appointment at MDA and I already feel better.
Blessings
Shannon