“Can you do this project…by tomorrow?”, “What are you doing for _?”, “Do you mind helping me with_?”, “Can we talk for a second?” And then… “Mom, I need help with_”, “Mom, what’s for dinner?”, ” Mom, I need this by _ “, And THEN…”Shannon, can you do _ for me?”, “Shannon, did you _?”, “Shannon where is _ ?”,
AND SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN
I get to what was maybe the first two things that were actually on my ‘to do’ list.
One thing I have learned about myself (and it only became clear to me because I see that I’ve handed this trait down to my oldest son) is that I am a task driven person. When I’m thrown off task my mental equilibrium gets thrown out of kilter. What I’ve managed to learn through the years is to take a deep breath, recognize what is MOST important, get on that task, complete it, then move on…stay organized. Sounds perfect, right? Oh I am just SO GOOD. 🙂
BLAH
What I haven’t learned how to do is INTERNALIZE, REGROUP and LET GO. I am proud of my ability to multitask and get things done, however, what happens is over time when something that is important to me is on that ‘to do’ list and continues to get ‘pushed aside’ a sneaky form of bitterness and resentment begins to seep through the cracks. I call it selfishness because it’s how I feel internally. I feel selfish because I long to complete that one task, though it wasn’t meant to benefit my specific job at the parish, or benefit my specific ministry or even my family’s personal needs I still desire to get it done because it’s something that I want to do that no one else is asking me to do. Granted,even what I want to do, in all honestly, would truly benefit my family in the long run, and in all honestly, could benefit young people which would be beneficial to ministry as a whole, well if I look at it that way it makes me that much more frustrated.
To end this tangent, I just need to come out and tell you where I am on my personal journey led by God… at a stand still. Crazy, right? I mean I have a book coming out in the spring, and some wonderful speaking opportunities. Yet I feel at a stand still. Something is about to begin, a new path along this journey and there are days that I am very EXCITED to be in this place because one lesson I have learned in life is that God will grant desires I don’t even have to long for! But on days like this, when I think I am following His will and yet I’m pulled in a thousand other directions (all good but off ‘my planned track’) then I feel that sneaky demon of spoiled frustration crawling up my back, taking hold of my will and screaming through me, “No, I don’t want to do ANYTHING!”
And when I allow myself to fall into this web of deceit and I have moments of pure solitude, no one asking for anything, demanding, needing, pleading, begging, wanting… I hate it. It doesn’t feel right. I physically squirm with discomfort because I feel it on my back.
What is the lesson in all of this? I need to get over myself.
🙂
And sometimes it just feels good to vent. Thanks for listening!
Blessings
Shannon