*This is a revisiting of the journey I took to ‘put the final nail’ in my abuser’s coffin…*
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I figured today I would blog as I could, give you the range of my emotions. Right now it’s 7:37am and after a very fitful night of sleep I am hearing Martina McBride’s song Independence Day in my head “Let freedom ring, let the white dove sing. Let the whole world know that today is a day of reckoning. Let the weak be strong. Let the right be wrong. Roll the stone away, let the guilty pay. It’s Independence Day.”
I have 3 hours before the funeral service. My uncle called me last night to check in and make sure I made it in town ok. He mentioned the family will gather at my grandfather’s house afterward. I know I make them nervous. Like I’m a ticking time bomb and they need to ‘handle me with delicate care.’ I suppose they are right. 😉 Seriously, my intention is not to ‘go off’ on anyone. Or even discuss it for that matter. They’ve hid their heads in the sand long enough there is nothing I can say now that would make them change the way they view or care about their father or father -in -law. Not that it would be my place to anyway.
Today is for me. Even if he is ashes. It is for me to know that I have a voice, even if it is words I’ll say in my head. Heather thought of bringing an actual nail. I thought that was funny. 😉 So at this moment I am numb, not expecting anything. I might not feel anything at all. And that’s okay. Because simply making the trip here is therapeutic. I felt I needed to do it and I am.
Ran 2.5 miles around the new Hotel building… Now sitting in the service. Nice to see my Uncles… I do love them. In the shower I had another memory… And through my tears I thought about when I’ve had moments of feeling others pain. I know I don’t wish him to hell and I feel for my uncles on ever embracing the truth of their father.
Im sitting in the back and I’m catching my breath.
Catch My Breath by Kelly Clarkson..
