It is never easy to admit when I have failed. However, in keeping to the theme and daily project of ‘showing up’ I promised I’d be honest in all that I’ve experienced, felt, accomplished, received and have failed to deliver from God and for God.
After a culmination of events I believe today I hit my lowest low. I let my son down. 🙁
When I walked in the house this afternoon Seth stood at the kitchen counter, dressed in slacks and a polo for Mass, and with a sad expression on his face. I haven’t seen him since I left for ICRS early on Sunday morning and he had been at Cho-Yeh, a Christian camp, all week. My smile broadened when I saw him and I went to give him a hug and the first thing he said to me was:
“How come you didn’t email me this week while I was gone?”
This was Seth’s 5th summer at camp and it was the first time I had failed to correspond with him while he was gone. There is a parent log-in on the camp website that you can send emails to the campers to be delivered to them daily. They are not able to email back but they can write snail mail. It felt as if a bony hand reached through my chest and clamped my heart within its steel embrace. There was no excuse. Regardless of where I was, what was transpiring, there was five minutes I could have spared to log into the website and send an email. I simply failed to do so.
A case of selfishness. 🙁
The grip tightened around my heart when he also casually stated that he was also the only one in his cabin that failed to receive any care packages. Yes, yes, I know. I understand if you are reading this and can no longer support anything I have to say or care to read any more. Trust me, if I could separate who I know to be the ‘real’ me from this imposter that has allowed life to get so overwhelming that she is suddenly hurting family and friends because of selfish behavior, I’d gladly do it too.
The vision of Seth sitting on his bed in the cabin feeling neglected while everyone else were reading letters from parents and opening packages was too much to take. I couldn’t stop the tears and profusely apologized.
“It’s okay,” he said meekly. “It actually made me think and I learned that I don’t need that stuff anyway. I know you love me. You hadn’t done it before and I figured something happened.”
I cried harder because he was no longer this little boy before me but a growing young man. Neal stepped in at this point and asked what was going on. When he found out he tried to reassure me that these things happen. We had a lot going on before and after. And in Neal fashion he then loudly whispered to Seth, “Had I known I could email you I totally would have. She didn’t tell me.”
They both laughed, enjoying the ribbing they were giving me, poking at the wound. All I could envision was a future adult Seth telling his therapist how his mother didn’t love him, she neglected to remember to send care packages and emails to camp one year.
Granted, I’m being a bit dramatic, but I think it’s been a good lesson for me to recognize how to overcome an epic fail. First and foremost laying down the pride. Pride follows us around, sticking like shadows sometimes preventing true reconciliation because to overcome pride means you have to expose yourself to the ‘son’. An initial reaction is to protect ourselves from getting burned when in reality it is the only way to be nourished and seek true growth.
Besides, biblically, it is important for me to allow my son the opportunity to find a way in his own spirit to sincerely forgive me. By showing him I can apologize and try to make amends then maybe one day when he makes a mistake (as we all will surely do often in our lives) he will also remember the process of stepping away from the shadow of pride and into the revealing truth of the son.
“Be on your guard! If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. And if he wrongs you seven times in one day and returns to you seven times saying, ‘I am sorry,’ you should forgive him.” Luke 17:3-4
My journey is endless….I’m constantly learning and I’m grateful for these times that God allows me to get over myself and still find solace in His redemptive embrace. (And for family and friends who are willing to forgive!) 😉
Blessings
Shannon
Side note: It was one HOT HOT HOT day!! Record breaking heat!
