I’m antsy. Not physically where I can’t sit still but mentally trying to force myself into a ‘role’ that God is not yet ready for me to fulfill. I’m still on that plain of uncertainty wondering what the next ‘mission’ is that God has in store. This morning I went inside the school to speak with one of my kids teachers and passed up another teacher who commented about reading my blog last night. She said, “You know, there needs to be a support group.”
I KNOW! 🙂 That is exactly what The Maria Goretti Network is! Problem is, I don’t have the time it would take at this moment to focus on bringing the group to our parish. If I weren’t working for the parish focused on other things and other programs then I could devout time to bring this program to the parish but at this point it doesn’t really fall under my ‘title’ and it would add yet another evening away from my family. This makes me sad. 🙁 I support the Maria Goretti Network 100% and every parish needs this support system.
Then I went to Mass and was surrounded by all of these adorable babies. Last night a friend of mine gave birth to a gorgeous little girl and on Sunday another friend of mine gave birth to a handsome little boy. I was thinking about the days when I stayed home with my boys and the moment I ‘allowed’ myself the guilt-free recognition that all I had to do was just be their mom. That’s a big ‘just’ of course. After having lunch today with a friend of mine and her 1 yr old daughter I also remembered the monotonous days of chasing around a curious toddler counting down the minutes till nap time. 🙂
I miss the days of holding them with their noses nussled in my neck as they fell asleep. I won’t have that again till I’m a grandma! I thought to pray for God to give us another child (I can’t have child anymore due to a hysterectomy but I’d prayed many years to find our way to adoption)…but then I thought about the times I’d leave that child if I were to still do the mission work He’s called me to and that wouldn’t be fair to a baby, let alone the fact of Neal and his illness and if it would be smart to bring another child into our situation. I’m not certain I’m ready to say I don’t want to speak out for Him anymore either. It is the one thing I love to do more than being a mother! In fact, I feel I am just getting started!
So, yet again, it led me to think about where I am now. The summer is about to begin with all of the conferences and the release of my book and maybe then I won’t feel this unsettled. I just wish whatever it is He wants me to focus on was more defined. My type “A” personality is having withdrawals from my once ‘scheduled’ life. 😉
I’m antsy but I’m not anxious. I’m EXCITED but impatient.
I would say I want to know what is to come but then again if I knew then I’d miss the thrill that comes with surprise!
I like surprises so I’ll wait. 🙂
Blessings
Shannon