Last night I was skimming channels on TV and came across the Discovery Channel hosting a series called “Psych Week”. Every night during the prime time hours they have specials on various nuances with the mind and emotions. When I turned it on it was showcasing people that have anxiety issues. It was interesting enough to grab my attention but my rare 15 spare minutes of ‘quiet time’ was up and soon I was being summoned by both sons to do various mommy duties and to go through our evening ritual.
When I went back to the TV no one had touched the channel and now the program was about people who suffer from rage. It was already in the middle of the program and as I sat down I heard a familiar tirade breaking through the television speakers. I settled onto the couch and watched as the man on the screen was yelling at his kids because they weren’t doing as he asked. With each quip of protest from them he got louder and louder. I was first stunned…then ashamed. I knew this scenario all too well. I was listening to what I sound like when I’ve had just ‘one of those days’, you know, when your fuse is short because the day has been exceptionally long and even though you ask your child to do something calmly when they disobey or disrespect you find your voice getting louder and louder until the cap has come completely off and your spewing demands no longer relevant to the original issue. I mean, I ask ‘you know’…but maybe it’s not as common as I’d like to believe.
After watching the clip of this father with his sons they highlight two separate Psychologists who explain that the person who tends to ‘rage’ is raging out of fear and vulnerability and was most likely yelled at as a child and or in a predicament where their control and respect had been taken from them.
Hmmm…okay but still that is no excuse. I mean the great thing about this show was that the man realized his issue and was getting help. I felt some similar comfort in knowing I recognized the same issue many years ago and can acknowledge and feel proud of the fact that I have gotten a lot better at controlling the instinct to yell above all and to force my point on everyone so I could have the upper hand. BUT it wasn’t until I heard it in this man’s voice and had this bird’s eye view from a complete outside perspective did I truly recognize the effects it has/had on the kids. 🙁 UGH.
I went to bed praying and asking God what is it He needed me to continue to learn from my own behaviors? Is He making it very clear to me every single aspect of abuse so that I am well versed and deep in knowledge and understanding? Today I heard at least a dozen times the song “I’m Forgiven” on the radio…but it wasn’t until I had Ryan in the car that I could set my mind at ease. If anyone suffered the brunt of any of my rage it was Ryan.
“Ryan, do you think I’m an angry person?” I asked.
“No, so and so is an angry person, Mom.” He said matter of fact.
I thought about the person he mentioned whom I do not know but he knew from a summer program I had put the boys in a few years before. “Why do you consider this person angry?”
“Because he yelled all the time. He couldn’t talk without yelling and nothing ever seemed to make him happy.”
“Do you think I yell a lot?” I asked.
“No, only when you are upset. But you aren’t upset that much. Besides you only yell when you have a right to be angry. So and so yelled when there was no reason to be upset.”
Sometimes I just love that my son is very clear and distinct in his understanding in life. 🙂 I dropped him off at his lesson and would you know, “I’m Forgiven” came on the radio AGAIN.
I’m forgiven and I accept it, but I’m not excused and I will certainly be making it a point to keep my reactions in check. Tonight they are highlighting a woman with 15 personalities…;) You think I’ll find a little bit of myself in that show as well?? HA!
Blessings
Shannon