Funny, that I can blog one minute about temptations and the very next go out with an intent to fall into one. …. or maybe that isn’t so funny. 🙁
Literally minutes after blogging yesterday, and just before I was set to go out with friends of ours, I received a phone call from an unknown number. It was my Rheumatologist’s nurse calling. She said she was informed to get me in the first appointment they had open for special cases, which is Monday at 3pm. I was stunned, to say the least. I don’t think I got in with her that quick when I was first diagnosed with RA by a General MD 14 years ago. She asked a few simple questions about how long it had been since I’d seen Dr. Sessoms and how long I’d been in remission, etc. and then was transferred to the appointments desk to give them my insurance information.
There was no real time to process this before we went out. I was happy to have an appointment so soon so I can have answers but then again the fact that she called literally in the same day that my General MD had faxed the results has me unnerved.
I wanted nothing but to get my mind off of it all together, otherwise I’d go crazy. I was praying, don’t get me wrong, I took a moment to settle myself and thought about Christ in the desert ‘Lord, let this cup pass me over but if it is Your will, then let it be done.’ I prayed “Oh Lord please do not let me have this…I really really don’t want this.” But then I allowed my heart to be sincere and I prayed if it His will then I know I can manage. But I’m just afraid.
Fear is what the enemy uses and even though it’s not like I fell into this great pit of sin I sure did linger too long with letting that fear wash over me and needing to ‘escape’ by having a few drinks, probably more than I’ve allowed myself to have in many years. I ‘just’ (justifying) flirted with succumbing to numbing my fears but I do believe the Holy Spirit has a greater hold of me than the enemy (thank the LORD!) and before I could get pushed over any edge, I backed off and sobered up…allowing myself to enjoy the evening, to laugh and at one vulnerable moment, to tear up and by the end of the night I was happy to just embrace the moment and I danced. 😉
I woke up this morning with the unknowns of why this is all happening and realized that I was lucky to only have to wait two more days to find the answers. Having that appointment so soon isn’t a death sentence, it is a gift. Again, how it can all easily get jumbled up when you allow the fear to be present.
The day was spent busy getting ready to host our Teams of Our Lady meeting which allowed me the opportunity to open up with our team and pray about this and for everyone else as well. I realized today that I have spiritual direction Monday morning with Msgr. Elmer and I thought what another neat gift to have on the day of my appointment. Time to spend in prayer and discernment before I go.
It’s the little things that do mean so much.
Blessings
Shannon