It is early in the evening but I think once I’m done explaining you’ll understand why I feel I can already recap the day. If you have read my Bio and read the synopsis of EXPOSED then you know that I am a rape survivor. I am a survivor but it doesn’t mean that the lasting effects of what has happened in my life doesn’t sneak up every now and then.
When the morning began with an intense fight between my husband and I over something quite frivolous, I should have recognized what was happening. You see, the pattern in my life (and I realize this might not be for everyone but we all have some sort of weak spot that sets a pattern for irritation, insecurity, etc) is that I can be ‘tripped up’ when it comes to sexual intimacy. I know this is personal, but it’s what I dealt with today and it’s what I deal with in life.
One of the many lasting effects of sexual abuse is there literally is a switch that turns off inside and as hard as I’ve tried to flip it on to be ‘normal’ it has remained to be the ‘thorn’ in my side. I know Christ can deliver me and I do believe one day I will be in a place that I want to be in this regard. Why I’m not there yet is for many reasons that I have either not allowed myself to uncover or maybe God is still working on me.
At any rate, what happened today is an argument that arises every few years or so between our marriage and it is NEITHER of our fault it is just a block that we have to work together to MOVE at times. But this morning I felt so defeated…not by my husband but by the enemy. I was on such a high and it never fails, when I do a talk that directly works in God’s favor it is literally a day or two later something like this arises to cause turmoil and strife.
So, what did I do? My instinct was to sulk and cry…but I wouldn’t, I couldn’t. Instead I prayed and prayed and prayed for Mary to cover us in her cloak and for God to DO something NOW.
Unlike Neal, he ended up calling me to talk (did I say this is UNLIKE Neal?)… and we talked…and listened and said things that needed to be said and some hurt but it was truth. Then I kept praying and cried on friends shoulders that I knew would understand…and prayed some more.
I then received a bouquet of roses from Neal and though that was extremely comforting and nice I still knew it was not yet finished. When we finally came face to face we TALKED some more and listened…and recognized that we needed to meet each other in the middle. I finally, after 17 years of being together, was able to explain what I was feeling in regards to the issue and to put it in a way that he recognized it had nothing to do with him or my love for him.
We are young, our marriage is young and we still have many more things to work through I’m sure…but I’m so thankful that God showed up for the two of us today. I just now read my Bible verse that I didn’t have a chance to get to today:
Psalm 40:2
“I waited, waited for the Lord; who bent down and heard my cry.”
I’m about to go to work tonight…but I needed to come home and just be with Neal. That’s why I wrote this early, I’m sure you understand. 🙂
Blessings
Shannon