I believe there is something in the air that is so clear and crisp it makes you want to come ‘clean’ with so many aspects in life, both physically and emotionally. Subtly there has been a ‘push’ inside to tell Ryan about his twin brother that I miscarried in the first trimester of pregnancy. I have the experience written in the book so I knew it was only a matter of time before he’d find out anyway and it just didn’t seem fair for so many strangers to know and have him in the dark.
To many of you this may seem like ‘no big deal’ but to me it is a big deal because Ryan already has a bond with the spirit of his twin and he doesn’t even realize it. If I’ve blogged this story before, forgive me, but I need to reiterate why the significance of a great ‘reveal’ to Ryan.
A few years back I participated in a small impromptu ceremony at a retreat that allowed women who had miscarried or lost a child in some way to come forward, mentally hold that child in their arms, name him/her and then the priest gave a blessing of Baptism over the list child(ren). This experience changed me. Instantly I knew my child was a boy and his name was Michael. I felt him beside me. He was the same height as Ryan at the time (Ryan was about 9 years old) and it was evident he had been with me for a long time. I think so many women suffer miscarriages it is the practice of doctors and even family and friends to shrug them off as another common statistic instead of the loss of a child.
Roughly a year after this retreat Ryan had been up in his room sleeping when Neal and I heard him rush down the stairs in a panic. “I had a bad dream,” he said and cried. Ryan was not prone to nightmares and he was passed the age of the night terrors. I comforted him and he asked me, “Mom, can you help me pray for my guardian angel’s name?” My heart soared as I agreed and I followed him up the stairs to his room. He laid down and closed his eyes as I began to pray out loud for God’s protection and the protection of his guardian angel when he opened his eyes and said, “I’ll pray Mom.” He closed his eyes again and began to pray out loud for God to reveal to him his guardian angel’s name. In mid-sentence his eyes popped open and he looked at me with a smile saying, “It’s Michael. Michael watches over me.”
Tears flooded my eyes and I nodded saying, “Yes, I do believe Michael watches over you.” Now I know that angels are not humans. If you do any studying of angels you know that they are a separate entity than humans. However, I do believe that the loved ones that have gone before us to heaven DO watch over us and pray for us. So I was certain Michael has been watching him the entire time.
A few months later was Mother’s Day and at church when the priest asked all mothers to rise for a blessing I felt Michael’s presence standing beside me and it was as if I could feel him in my heart saying, “I was there with Ryan when you nearly lost control. I was with him, helping him.” This remains with me and the certainty of this as truth brings me to tears as I type. This is when I knew I needed Ryan to be at an age that he would appreciate this truth about him and his relationship with Michael.
Today was the day. I just told Ryan beginning with the fact that I was pregnant with twins when he was born. He asked many questions and then I told him about going through the ceremony. I asked him if he had any idea what the twin’s name was and he looked at me, “What?” he said. “Michael,” I said and Ryan instantly said, “Michael? He has been watching over me? He is my guardian angel, right? Remember?” he said and I could see a tear in his eye. Then he began to wonder out loud, “I wonder what he would look like? I wonder if he would have been like me or what he would have liked to do. That is so cool, Mom,” he said.
It is very cool. 😉
Enjoy the rest of this freeing day and take a moment to give thanks to all of your guardian angels and to those who have passed who are diligently watching over you.
Blessings
Shannon