Vulnerable, that is my word for today. I had no idea the intensity of what would strike me in mid-day was coming when I got up this morning and now I’m left like a child secure in the fold of my heavenly Father’s arm as He gives me refuge so that I might gather up strength to move on to the ‘completion’ of what He has set forward for my journey.
The day began at a normal rush having come off of vacation time. My kids were running late, they gave me papers to be signed minutes before we were to walk out the door and when I got to work I was inundated with emails that had to be dealt with in a timely manner. One issue at work (which is relatively frivilous but still an issue) had me completely stressed because it puts me in a position of having to ask for money and I hate asking for money. Regardless that they signed up for the event and know they need to pay there is a deadline and it wasn’t being met so that fell on me to beg. Ugh. 🙁
Finally, at 1:30 I ran home for a quick bite (and to get out of the office) so I heated some left overs and sat in front of the TV. I decided to turn on an old recording of an Oprah show that I’d taped about the 200 men who were discussing their abuse. I don’t normally watch Oprah anymore but I’d heard about this 2 part program and knew it was one I needed to watch. I’d managed through the first hour in three sittings but this second hour I could only handle in 5-10 minute incriments. Why I chose to watch another ‘segment’ at this particular time is beyond me but I sat there, on the edge of the footrest and listened to these men tell truths that only those of us who have been sexually abused can fully relate. Then Oprah references a show she did last year where she spoke to 4 abusers about why they abused, etc…I had not watched Oprah at all last year so I was not familiar with this particular episode. She introduces the short clip by saying something to the effect of, “I asked one of the abusers if they ever thought about what they did to those they abused, how it affected them…” They show the clip and she asks, “Would you say you cared for this person?” The perp says, “Yes”…she asks, “Would you say you loved her?” The perp says, “Yes, definitely.” She then asks, “Have you thought about what you have done to her?” He says, “Yes, I’ve thought about it alot.” And she asks, “What do you think you did to her?” And he says,”I killed who she could have been.”
I had to rewind it and listen to it again because it hit me like a punch in the face. And that’s when I cried. I mean out of the blue I doubled over, hid my head in the palm of my hands and wailed. I cried so hard, so loud I was squeeling because I couldn’t get enough air back into my lungs. I couldn’t stop. I thought about how often I wish I could be a ‘different’ way but can’t because how the abuse cripples a person in so many facets. And when I thought I could finally calm down I thought about my sister, my mother, the hundreds of women in the prison, the thousands of women and men I’ve met over the years who have been ‘killed’ from becoming who they should have been.
It was obvious I needed that cry. As quick as it came on, once I was finally spent, I was done. I got up. Wiped my eyes. Drew in a few deep breathes to releave my sore throat and headed back to work. You see, he…they…might have ‘killed’ who I could have been in some regards but God has always had His plan for me and He will bring it to completion, for He never fails.
Monday of the First Week of Advent
Readings: Is 4:2-6; Mt 8:5-11
For over all, the LORD’s glory will be shelter and protection: shade from the parching heat of day, refuge and cover from storm and rain.
Is 4:6
The hope expressed is that each one may be made holy by
God and preserved irreproachable in his entire person—
“spirit, soul and body”—for the final coming of the Lord Jesus;
the guarantee that this can happen is offered by the faithfulness
of God himself, who will not fail to bring to completion
the work he has begun in believers.
Homily in Celebration of the First Vespers of the
First Sunday of Advent
November 26, 2005
Blessings
Shannon