I am not proud of myself today. I will tell you I was outright forward in not showing up for God today. Even after beginning the day by copying down the words to that amazing song “The Summons” when the time called for me to
“use the faith you’ve found to reshape the world around
Through my sight and touch and sound in you and you in me?”
You see, I’m sick. It’s caught up with me. Phlegm invades my chest weighing me down on the couch, my head pounds and I feel out of sorts. For the first part of today I had nothing planned and since I went to mass last night I knew I had the leisure of laying around. The only thing we had going today was my brother in law, his wife and four kids were coming in from Ohio and they were due to be at our house tonight at 5:30 for the Super Bowl. And again, I’ll be honest, and admit this visit carried with it a great amount of apprehension as we had not really communicated with his brother and family for the past 3 years when we nearly took custody of the four kids due to some unfortunate circumstances brought on by their life choices. I won’t be around the bush…tension is the key word here.
Neal left for a golf outing this afternoon and I managed to get showered, the house picked up, laundry washed, folded and put up and at 3pm I was done in and needed a nap. I went into my bedroom to lay down and just as my body relaxed and the world around began to vanish I get snapped back to reality with a commotion from the other room. Sure enough, the crew had arrived with my mother and father in law at 3:10pm.
Like a worn out toddler woken up too soon from a nap I didn’t bother to disguise my frustration. To make it worse my father in law kept asking ‘if there was anything he could help me with’…as if I was expected to suddenly lay out a spread. I asked what he was expecting me to do that he could help with? I know… I know… not real Christ like, huh?
🙁
I finally had to go and sulk in my room for a few minutes to allow the frustration to work it’s course and then took a few deep breaths while acknowledging to myself that there was nothing I could do and what I needed to do was be there with the family and get to know the kids I nearly had as my own. I don’t know, maybe a part of me is still harboring sadness for the opportunity to have that big family. They weren’t my kids but I would’ve done everything I could to raise them as my own and give them opportunities that they might never see. But it wasn’t God’s will and I think when all of that went down God simply wanted to know if I had it in me to give Him a ‘yes’ and to embody that yes with my life. But, by the Grace of God, things turned around for my brother in law and sister in law, and even though our worlds could seem like two seperate planets, they are now taking care of their kids as they should and I would never want to disrupt their home.
Anyway, I’m not proud of my crabbiness. I’m still sick so no matter how much I tried to be a good host I was still working at it with only 50% of me. I will try better next time.
Blessings
Shannon