Two and a half days on the beach with a plethora of personalities between myself and seven women friends made for an interesting retrospective weekend. It began as a celebration for a friend turning 40 and ended with a personal revelation.
We had all the makings of a good time…the house was literally on the beach, not just beach front but ON the beach (unfortunately due to others misfortune in Ike this 3rd row house now has the best view I’ve seen in Galveston). We had music, Dominoes and even Wii Rock Band! The conversation flowed and the laughter caused our stomachs to ache and the stress to drip off our shoulders like melted snow on the first day of spring.
But there was something missing for me and I couldn’t quite grasp what it could be. Often I was asked why I was so quiet or if there was something wrong, and there wasn’t. I love these women, I was laughing and cutting in on the quips often but for some reason I felt more like I was observing, taking it all in. On Saturday afternoon while some of the ladies went to a day Spa there were a few of us that stayed behind and I began to do my week’s lessons for the Cornerstone Bible study and one of the questions caused me to pause. The particular passage is from John chapter 18 and it was referring to when Peter and another disciple followed after Jesus once he was captured and taken to the head chief. Peter had stayed behind in the crowd while the other disciple went with Jesus up to the front. That was when Peter denied that he was a disciple of Jesus. The question asked, “Do you ever find that you stay behind Jesus to take care of your own needs at times or do you follow him closely?”
My heart recognized the answer before my brain could even process the onslaught of emotion the question elicited from me. For the past 56 days I’d been blogging and recognizing this ‘state of waiting’ but now it is more clear. I am like Peter following Christ, wanting to be close to Him, like the day I surrendered almost 9 years ago but for some reason now I am stopping and warming my hands at the fire often choosing when I will admit I’m his disciple.
God is calling me to surrender…AGAIN. And again, I’ve put off this call for fear. Fear of failure. Fear of where He is going to take me. Fear of what I might have to walk away from. But I know that He will take care of me! He has done it before and has been consistent so when is it that I allowed myself to clench the control once again?
This evening in mass I said a prayer of surrender. I want to be who He wants me to be. And I also know that this will come with pain and growth but the loves heals all.
I hear you now, God. Give me the grace, courage, strength and mercy to move forward and die to myself so that You can live within me the way You desire.
Blessings
Shannon