Surrounded by at least 40 acres of lush green land (if not many more) soaking in a scorching hot tub, the twinkling country stars providing the only light of which to see my two cousins as we spoke of ‘remember when’s’. The topic of ‘bucket lists’ came up and as we exchanged our desired wishes of places we long to set our eyes upon and talents we wish to inhibit one day I kept thinking of the one goal I’ve always had on my ‘bucket list’ since I was in the 4th grade – to be a published author.
Here I am in the moment, to set my eyes upon a goal so long for to see it accomplished. And yet, I’m confused as to which direction to go. Honestly, I’m about to come clean with some very personal insecurities here and if this weren’t a project I’m doing for myself then I wouldn’t divulge them to the world, but I committed to do this for me and the only way for this project to work is if I’m honest about what is going on with me on a daily basis so I can see God’s direction unfold before my eyes.
Lori and Karen were asking me questions in regards to who would be carrying the book, how could they get copies, how could I get certain bookstores to carry it, etc etc. “I don’t know,” I’d say…”I’m not sure.” I’d shrug and get quiet. Earlier in the night Karen had mentioned the fact I always say I need to ‘get over myself’ in this blog and she felt that I shouldn’t do that. What was it I needed to get over, she had asked. I thought about that now, as they were asking me these very simple questions about a moment that I should be ecstatic about except here I was mute…unable to process the emotion I was feeling, let alone give them simple answers for a simple question.
So what is my issue? I’m SCARED! There you go. 🙂 I don’t want it to be about the SELL OF THE BOOK. But….What if this book comes out and only my family buys it and the goal I had in mind to accomplish fizzles and dies within the first month? What if people that know me and live around me read the book and then think differently of me and don’t see the purpose? What if I don’t raise enough money to help out Miguel and Fr. Gavin with the Maria Goretti newtwork? What if I let everyone down? Please know that I know God called me to write this book, that I am certain. But what if I discerned the whole publishing thing wrong? What if God’s full intent was to have me write it so He could get me to speak (as He has done) and move on to other things? As I wrote the book I became more bold in what I could and would share as I spoke to audiences and in that sense I am very confident in what God has asked of me because I know the Holy Spirit is the driver. There are so many times this book has almost made it. First with the top Christian literary agent only later to tell me that memoirs just don’t sell. Second with a well known Catholic publisher, only later to be told they had to ‘drop me’ because of the economy and I am an ‘unknown’. Third to have a very well known author and speaker come to me and tell me he would do anything to promote me and set out to write a blurb for the book but only later told me that he just didn’t have the time to make the deadline.
In the beginning I took these as signs that I should not move forward. That God accomplished what He wanted from EXPOSED without it ever getting ‘out’ there. But then about this time last year I felt Him calling me to give it another try…I was very apprehensive. So I put it to a test in discernment…and there were too many signs I couldn’t pass up. But what if I was being tested?
🙂 *sigh* I know…. SHUT UP!! lol
Irony? I begin the book addressing ‘what if’s’…maybe I should listen to what God was trying to say. If anything, I feel better having written them out. At least it’s out there. I’m not hiding behind the fear.
I trust God will do whatever it is He wants to do. I believe the kicker here is for me to come to a place I can be honest when I say I can accept whatever that will is…Ultimately I want to go back to the beginning and remember why I began any of this to begin with. To help others know their worth, especially those who have been abused in any realm. That is my goal, that is my dream and I pray it is His will.
Thank you for being patient with my rant.
Blessings
Shannon