I woke up this morning with regret. Why did I post that rant on my blog last night?! Letting it go, I said my rosary and realized that I felt so much better having put it all out there even if it was a bit ridiculous. It was what I was thinking and feeling despite what my heart knew was right. Hey, I never said I was perfect! (Ha! Far from it!)
What I didn’t expect today was how faithful God would be to reach down and give me hugs all day long. Many of them came from the comments YOU have left. There is so much wisdom and understanding…it reinforces me and I believe it’s God’s way of saying “I’m gathering you together to do this work for me, you are not alone.”
One of the ‘hugs’ was an email response from a gentleman who I had met at the Vietnamese Conference a few weeks ago. He is in ministry as well but has a day job as a Family Practitioner! I was so amazed that he was Doctor by week and Worship Leader by weekend (or at least when he’s not on call! 🙂 ) We had spoken about his dual calling and how he felt they were one in the same. Healing through medicine and healing through music. This morning the email from him was asking this, “I have a quick question for you. Over the past couple of years, the word “transparency” has come to my heart in terms of living my life for and in the Lord. Transparency to others, with a sense of openness and authenticity. The Lord has really blessed me in being real and open to others by leaps and bounds. You seem to have a sense of that transparency about you. Even reading your website about your experience of rape, you just leave it out there.
I’ve had people tell me I shouldn’t talk about the rapes or any abuse for that matter as it is ‘uncomfortable’ to listen to. Those comments fuel my fire and give me more strength to be bold because the problems in this world today are based on keeping things ‘in the dark’. This is also why Ephesians 5:6-20 is my favorite verse. God directed me to it one time after this happened. The only way I’m going to be useful in this ministry He has called me to is if I’m honest about my mistakes, honest about what has happened to me and honest about how none of it really matters anymore because HE HAS DELIVERED ME. That is the message. The deliverance, the surrender, the forgiveness, the mercy and bountiful grace.
Trust me, it isn’t easy, especially in the beginning. After being silent for so many years He called me out to tell …everyone??? It took a lot of prayer for boldness and courage. In fact for one year I prayed for nothing but to be BOLD. That is the year He led me to write the book which also helped me sort out all that happened. Where was my involvement, where did I get ‘sucked in’ to others bad decisions, and in the end did I feel truly forgiven and did I forgive? Once that was all worked through He literally led me to where I am today and who knows where else that might be tomorrow?
I was recalling and remembering as I wrote knowing God was working through me to speak to me. 🙂 Isn’t He awesome?
I don’t regret ‘coming clean’ anymore because I purged it, it’s gone and God’s graced me with a renewed confidence in what He’s called me to do (and many thanks to all of YOU who allowed Him to work through you to get to me as well.)
Blessings
Shannon