When you’re not strong…I’ll be your friend…I’ll help you carry on. 🙂
My friends showed up today. It was definitely a spirit booster to begin the early morning with a comment from a dear friend letting me know she’s in this with me. Made me think of Simon helping Jesus with the burden of the cross. Then I received a text not long after (apparently my friends don’t sleep well!!) and she wrote words so full of love and understanding it felt as if God was trying desperately for me to hear Him and I finally did. She wrote, “God has given you all these friends to help you carry that cross. And right now I see you need a little assistance. Just don’t try and hide the grief and struggle. It is okay to be sad for a bit. It is not a sign of weakness or lack of faith.”
That was it. She wrote the turmoil building inside. I’m getting it from all ends. Fear of the future of the ministry He’s called me too and fear of the future that is so unclear with my own family. I could understand my fear of the ministry, it is supposed to be an unknown. I knew my little slips of fear were more like trying to step out of the boat and walk on water with Christ. But the unknown of my family…now that’s like going to bed in one reality waking up to another. It throws you off. You have futures planned, places to go, things to accomplish and then suddenly you don’t know how to rearrange that vision. It’s not that it is suddenly gone…(which I can’t imagine the pain and grief that comes from having these futures literally ripped from the scene)… instead, we grapple with the unknown in the timing. What do we try to do now before it isn’t physically or mentally possible? And how about living with a man that looks like your husband but suddenly isn’t him? I tell you, they have got to come out with a better antidote to squelch these attacks other than steroids because ROID RAGE is living in hell on earth. Have you ever seen Living with the Enemy? Thankfully it hasn’t gotten as bad as it did his last attack but my fear is in the fact he is not yet done with the IV’s and we are already at the point of walking on egg shells to keep things ‘calm’. What is worse is he knows this and you can tell he is imprisoned in this hell in his own body. I think that kills me more than anything.
*sigh*
As I was mentioning, God has placed us within a huge support system and today He literally woke me up to recognizing that I was doing myself harm by not using them. Even though there are moments I just don’t want to talk I know I can go and just ‘be’.  Thank God for friends! 🙂
My burden is lighter and my heart is full of love. Thank you to everyone who is praying for me (and Neal) and for allowing me to ‘be’ within this blog.
Blessings
Shannon