Hopeful Hearts Ministry

I have a VOICE is Hopeful Hearts Ministry’s key phrase and we love the opportunity to give survivors the chance to share their voice on video, in blogs, and among their peers. Because it is Domestic Violence Awareness month I have asked a young woman who has championed through her journey of healing to share with us what has caused her the most frustration in the aftermath of leaving an abusive relationship.

Jeanna’s Voice:

Where is the God of Justice?  Part One

I have concluded that I would have run the trial better than the prosecution. I would have made sure that my neighbor who heard him strangling me was called to the witness stand. I would not have been so shaken when my abuser fired his attorney and represented himself. I would have reminded myself that it is his constitutional right and even celebrated the justice system at work.

When he asked me on the stand whether I consider him a strong man, I retorted, “physically or emotionally?” because he and I both knew the truth. He knew that although his muscles that manifest itself from hundreds of dollars per month of steroids, he could not handle his emotions which is why we were there that day. The one with the narcissistic personality disorder and God only knows what else was free to stand up in front of a jury, judge, prosecutors, the police officer who came to my aid and a galley of people I don’t know and asked me whatever he wanted. And eventually, his pathological lies and lack of any remorse whatsoever was able to win a jury over. They found him not guilty.
So, what has the system inadvertently taught me? The next time he strangles me with our son in the room, I should not fight for my life and let him make marks on me. I need to have other people present so I can have witnesses. The next time he wants to put his hands on me, I need to make sure that I have it on video or something in order to be believed in a court of law, in order for justice to be served. I have to make sure that I’m perfect and that someone else handles my case so things don’t get overlooked. Instead of dressing in my black blazer, coral blue shirt, black pencil skirt and heels that made me feel beautiful and confident, I should have worn a plain, navy or grey suit because that emanates trustworthiness. I should have not worn any makeup, I should have let the inner feelings, my inner heart, inner discord and inner fears show as he grilled me when I was on the stand. I should have been so quiet that the judge would have to ask me to speak up and then I would show fear in my eyes when I responded to him, because he was a man and that’s how after being abused by a man, I felt. I wouldn’t have flashed my eyes in anger or showed defiance toward my abuser when he asked questions. I would have made sure my neighbor and the police officer that came to my aid was called to the witness stand so it wouldn’t be my word against his.

I lost out on the validation of a neutral third party telling me that what he did to me for eight months was wrong. I lost out on speaking to anyone who would listen in court about effects of domestic violence on me and the millions of other people who will suffer from it. I lost out on bringing awareness to others about it – influential people. I lost out on the hope that the justice system has justice for me. I felt uncared for, that my life didn’t matter – that I was unworthy, that they either believed him or didn’t believe me or both.

He lied through his teeth, manipulated his way sneakily through, and exposed the accidental but inexcusable, corrupt parts of the system that wrecked my soul. How was he believed and I wasn’t? What did I do so wrong? What is so wrong about me that tells people that I’m a liar? What isn’t good enough about me that led a jury of 6 random people to tell me that I wasn’t worth deliberating for more than fifteen minutes about whether someone almost killed me? People always say how women get away with everything and can lie in court and people believe them. So if that is the case and I told the truth, how much more does that reflect on me, my court “performance” or whatever else I did or didn’t do that led to this?

Whether the judicial system realizes it or not, when victims are not given justice in a court of law, they essentially are being blamed for not being in a better place at a better time while the crime occurred. If I allowed him to abuse me in the middle of the day and in a street, there would have been witnesses. If I had a boyfriend at the time, he wouldn’t have even been there because my boyfriend would have protected me. If I didn’t fight back, I would have lost consciousness and he would’ve been charged with attempted murder rather than domestic assault and battery. If I had video cameras in my house, I would have been able to prove what happened and that for the millionth time, he threatened to kill me. “One day I’m going to snap and kill you.” That’s what he said. And some days, I don’t doubt that will happen.

So, with all of that being so real, I don’t understand how the world can tell me he’s not guilty. That’s where the difference between actual and legal guilt comes in. One of my classes is going through that and in another we are discussing victim’s and defendant’s rights during a trial. Those have been really, really hard weeks to deal with. Because I always knew I was so angry about it that I didn’t really let myself go there, but for school I had to – there’s no way I couldn’t not bring my own experience into it. But then it makes me even angrier because I see what validated victims get and I think about how much I lost out on it.

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In order to lessen the occurrence of domestic violence, we must reveal the errors and face the truth in the deficiencies in our system. All in all Jeanna pulls through … be sure to stay tuned for Part II  “HE is Still on the Throne”