“I don’t like you,” he had said, his little face puckered and beat red.
“That’s ok,” I responded with love and a smile, “it just means I’m doing something right.”
Ryan was about 5 when we had that exchange and I was nonplussed to have him tell me he didn’t ‘like me’. His essential survival still was dependent on me so I knew it would only take a few minutes for him to get past receiving punishment for whatever behavior or situation that had occurred.
I think about that now as I tend to my bruised heart. Earlier he and I had gone to the mall to get him his St. Thomas High School attire (Khaki pants and Polos) so he would have something to wear when we get back from vacation and he goes directly into a summer study skills course at the school.
A commercial on the radio discussed a retirement home for the elderly and a gentleman was discussing how he wanted a ‘safe place’ for his mother. I joked and asked Ryan if he would build me a small house off of his one day and take care of me when I got ‘old’. 😀 This led into some fun banter and conversation which ultimately headed in the direction of Ryan saying something to the effect of, “I don’t know if my kids will like you.”
🙁 I didn’t think I’d heard him correctly but I kept going along with the banter assuming he was still kidding. “Why wouldn’t they like me? You don’t think I’ll be a good grandmother? Am I not a good enough mother?”
“You’re a good mom,” he said, “but you are really religious. I don’t know if I’ll be like that so I don’t know if my kids will like it.”
Ryan has a knack for saying exactly what he feels, there is no shading the colors.
“What do you mean by ‘religious’?” I asked. “Because I think there are different definitions.”
He pondered this for a moment and then shrugged, “I don’t know, you know I have trouble with my words.”
Ha! Right…
“Do you feel like I ‘push’ religion on you?” I probed. “Do you think I make you pray and make you love God?”
He shook his head. “No,” he said. “That’s not what I mean.”
“You know, Ryan, my main prayer for you and Seth every day is this: Please keep Ryan and Seth safe and in relationship with You so that they desire to serve You and follow Your will. I know without a doubt that if you will remain in prayer with God and seek His will that everything else will be taken care of, no matter what decisions you make or which ‘Christian religion’ you are. Don’t get me wrong, I want you to remain Catholic but I more importantly want what God’s plan is for you above all else.”
He sighed, sounding exasperated, “Mom, I want to be Catholic. That’s not what I’m saying.”
I kept my eyes on the road and thought about what I do and how that must affect him so I asked, “Do I embarrass you, Ryan?”
He shrugged. “Sometimes. Not because of what you do, though. Just because of who you are. All my friends think I am super religious too because of you. I don’t like being labeled just because you are who you are.”
Fair enough. I get that, I thought to myself. Kind of like being a preacher’s kid. Before I could say anything else he said something that redeemed the moment…a little.
“I can say there is no other mom like you. You are different than everyone else’s mom. I like that,” he said.
I wanted to say, “Well which is it? I’m too religious or I’m ‘different’?” But I refrained. Instead, after a long period of silence I decided to ask something that I know is really only relevant in the moment but I asked any way.
“Do you like me, Ryan?”
He didn’t need to think about it (thank you, God). “Yes,” he stated bluntly.
“I mean like who I am,” I said. “Because I guess you don’t really have to like me all the time. I don’t expect you too. For instance, I will always always love you, no matter what you do I will always love you, but there are times that I might not like what you do or even how you are being. The same goes for how you feel about me. So I just wonder if maybe you don’t really ‘like’ me right now?” I thought about what I’d just said and added, “Like if you weren’t my son, would you like me?”
He looked at me then and said, “Parents shape so much of who we are (I’m not kidding you that he said this…) so I couldn’t say. If you weren’t my mom and I was raised by someone else I don’t know if I would ‘like’ you or not. But I like you. You are just different.”
A few moments later he included, “Mom, I wouldn’t want you to change.”
I couldn’t respond for the boulder that had wedged itself in my esophagus. I smiled, reached over and pat his hand.
I don’t need my kids approval of how I parent and discipline and I don’t need to be the mom that all their friends think is ‘cool’. However, I think all of us moms want to know that there is some part of who we are that they enjoy.
If you are a parent of a teenager do me a favor don’t conform yourself to what you think they ‘want’ you to be in order to be ‘cool’ or ‘have approval’… be the you that God has led you to become because despite the ‘eye rolling’ arguments and ‘you’re embarrassing me!’ comments, Ryan is right, they are shaped by you. If you are being led by God on this treacherous journey then there is no need to fear.
Blessings
Shannon