Hopeful Hearts Ministry

Early in the evening last night Karen and I ended up in a conversation that led me down an emotional roller coaster.  I have no idea at this moment what’s going to set me off and it can be any little thing. This is why I’m here.  I am in a safe place where I can cry if I need to, laugh when it might not seem appropriate and get righteously angry and be okay with it all the while not affecting my family.

I was hurt as a very very young girl…something I always had assumed ‘might’ have happened but that I never wanted to accept so I never ‘went there’.  As my spiritual advisor says, “You live in your head.”  He is right and I think because I am such a ‘visual’ person and can recall memory in such detail this particular memory was too much for my young mind, and later even my adult mind, to accept.

God is intricate in His timing and I do believe this is the appropriate time  of my life for me to remember.  The past few weeks at home have been just as up and down in emotions which is why Neal was supportive in encouraging this time to get away and ‘help’ my friend.

Turns out my friend is helping me.  Or are we helping each other? 🙂  So as I rode the coaster of emotion last night my friend posed some very intricate and wise questions to me which unveiled an even greater understanding of who I am, and how this last puzzle piece of my past has been the very answer to all of the ‘WHY’S’  in my life.  Why did I do that?  Why would I act that way?  Why would I go there?  Why wouldn’t I ever say anything?  Why do I feel like I’m in the wrong when it is clear the other person wronged me?  And it goes on and on.  It’s not a cop out.  It is clarity.

It is my ultimate AH HA! moment which is the BIGGEST BLESSING to receive.  It is a GIFT to understand yourself.  The challenge is going to be reconfiguring the mind-set.

This morning I was wide awake at 4am so I got up and wrote for a few hours then decided to head back to bed.  By the time I woke up again at 9am I needed to get out some of the energy all of the revelations caused so I went for a run.  Beyond that I knew I couldn’t do much more thinking or talking so today we went shopping instead.  It snowed as we walked the streets of Hamburg which was beautiful for me…but as my friend says, “This is my life.”  And we BOTH know it’s what we make of it.

Healing takes time so it is important to smell the roses along the way…even if you have to create them out of dreary days and slush. 😉