“I don’t know who I am,” Shelley* said to the group of women who had gathered together to work on a the Beth Moore “So Long Insecurity” study. Shelley wasn’t the only woman feeling this way. There were others who vigorously nodded their heads with understanding.
Shelley’s only son is a freshman in college and has left the divorced-single mother home alone. Divorced or married the other women who were experiencing ’empty nest’ syndrome all voiced their fear in that statement, “Who am I now that my kids are gone?”
‘Who am I’ is a great statement to contemplate for all of us women, regardless if our kids are at home or if we are experiencing ’empty nest’. Being a mom is the single most important job to be blessed with however I believe God didn’t intend for us to lose or put aside the identity of the talents and gifts uniquely given to us in our creation.
Whether we hold a job outside of being a mother or if we have dedicated our daily lives to taking care of the household, God created us with unique gifts and talents that benefit both the family and our specific purpose in this world.
What are your gifts and talents? If this question is frustrating or causes anxiety because you don’t feel as if you have anything to offer outside of being a mom take a moment doing something you’ve apparently never done before – reflect on YOU.
Before marriage, before children, what motivated you? What inspired you? What daydreams tickled your senses?
One of the biggest travesties, in my opinion, is when a woman loses her identity out of a miss-perceived notion that in order to be a ‘present’ and ‘dedicated’ mom there would be no room for personal achievement. This can be said especially for the working mom who is doing everything she can to take care of her family financially and be present to her children. The lines get easily blurred once the demand of kids academic and extra-curricular schedules dominate daily life and begin to define the mother’s achievement.
As a parent we are the first educator to our children. What they experience through us is what they’ll naturally gravitate toward once they are on their own. When we lose sight of who we are and focus solely on their achievements and allow those achievements to define us it puts unnecessary pressure on a child to succeed not only for their benefit but for you as well.
By giving yourself even a few hours a week or weekend doing something you enjoy and love or working toward a goal you’ve always wanted to achieve this shows your children who you are, it begins to define your personality to them and allows them to see you as a person and not just a mom who makes sure their every need is met. This lends to a certain amount of respect and pride from your child for you and helps in communication especially when they are teenagers.
When Shelley bemoaned that she didn’t even know ‘who she was’ anymore my heart was sad for the time she lost but leapt in joy for this time in her life to begin a new chapter and the world of opportunity at her fingertips. Now she can take the time to meditate on what makes her heart soar, asking God in prayer to open her eyes to the opportunities to fulfill her purpose.
Let this be a forewarning for those of us who are in the midst of raising children, demanding academic and extra-curricular schedules, and a household to keep in order. Don’t get lost in chaos. Granted, there are some moms who are clearly meant to be the organized, Pinterest diva, hospitality queen and for many of those women I’ve seen their talents and gifts shine by taking what they do on a daily basis and then sharing their expertise through social media to help other moms. BRAVO for incorporating YOU into the demands of family life.
However, if you are like me, I am not ‘that’ mom and though I love my children and I am still in demand of carpool, practices, games, performances, and tutoring I have to make room for my outlet to ‘be me’ during the hours that the kids don’t need me at all. This is when I began to write the book I always wanted to write, and volunteer for ministries that had sparked a longing within me to share and to listen and help others which turned into founding Hopeful Hearts Ministry. It is the best of both worlds, doing what I love but still having the schedule to be present to my kids.
Nothing makes me happier than to hear my kids bragging about me just as much as I brag about them. And in doing what I’m inspired and motivated to do lends to a few opportunities that call for dad to step in and nourish the father /child relationship which is just as important.
Every family is different and I know many moms who are trying to simply keep their head above water with their work and kids schedules. Being you and maintaining your identity can also be done by simply talking to your kids about what you love, what your interests are, what you hope to do one day and allowing your dreams to soar. Maybe even work on a dream board with the kids and discuss with them what your plans are for when the nest is empty.
Whatever your situation know that you are never forgotten.
Blessings
Shannon
*This blog entry first appeared in Choose Now Ministries Shannon Deitz: On Hope 9/2013)