“I want to do whatever it takes for
How many of you can relate to this statement? I heard it in variation today three times. I hear it from various concerned loved ones at least once a week if not more. It is the sorrowful voice of the enabler.
We love so deep that watching those we love make life-altering and harming decisions because of their lack of worth and self-esteem is devastating. So much so we want to step in and find a way to ‘make‘ them see through our own eyes.
One such person today was a gentleman worried about a female childhood friend of his who lives in another state. He had reached out to me and the ministry before wondering what he could do for her in order to get her out of her destructive cycle that was brought on by childhood abuse. Today he emailed me happy to say she was ready to seek counseling but was concerned because she wasn’t going to the ‘type’ of counselor he thought would be ‘best’.
It was clear he was desperate for her to be ‘healed’ in the way in which his ‘minds eye’ felt she could and should have always been. Prayer her heart would open to God’s will is key. I suggested this boldly yet knew it landed feebly on anxious shoulders.
Later I spoke to a woman who was seeking Hopeful Hearts services to be a part of their organization that works with Family Recovery after women get out of prison. In our conversation she confided that her own family had been affected by ‘bad choices’ as she stated and her son has landed in jail a few times. “I tried everything I could do get him the help he needed but it wasn’t until I stepped away and let God do His thing that my son finally listened.”
Breaking the habit of enabling is difficult when it is motivated by fear for a loved one.
It was good for me to have so many discussions that highlighted enabling motivations and characteristics today because it came in handy dealing with my son Ryan tonight. Overstressed and burdened by his school work load he ranted all through dinner about how tired he is, how he never gets a break and he just can’t ‘handle’ the pressure.
(Picture a very dramatic teen proclaiming this with the utmost theatrical performance.) Neal and I both jumped in and suggested that if his private school was too much then maybe he needed to quit. The conversation went on and now that I’ve stepped back from the conversation I can see who quickly Neal and I were motivated into enabling suggestions due to the fear of this stress bringing Ryan to a point of no return and making a fatal decision or even suffering a heart attack at a young age!
His dramatics bring us to our own dramatics. 😉 We then discussed these fears to great length and finally, at some point, we all came back down to what would be considered a more reasonable level and tried to figure out ways in which he could help himself and no longer look at the negative first but take a different approach at his given situation.
I’m happy to say we are all in a much calmer, happier mood and we only had to do two papers and one project for him. …. LOL …. JUST KIDDING!!! 😀 We aren’t doing his work load for him but we are trying to find ways to help him deal with the stressful moments that the workload brings.
Ultimately we have to give our son over to God and continue to pray the prayer I offer up daily for my kids, “Lord, I pray Ryan and Seth have a desire to want to know you and follow your will.”
It is so hard to let go and let God but it is essential to love purely.
Blessings
Shannon