Understanding dissappointment and suffering comes easier as we learn daily to grow deeper in our relationship with God. Actually, it is in learning to accept His love and how to embracebeing His beloved that we can begin to recognize the many ways in which God showers us in tenderness in order to accept the sufferings and disappointments in our life.
The beginning of this week started out grand with the hours ticking by and task after task accomplished, until Wednesday when it seemed a flood gate opened and before I could raise my head to see it coming a tidal wave of ‘to do’s’ with immediate expiration dates came upon me, engulfing me with stress. Finally, by noon today I sat down and decided to watch a show I’d TIVO’d a few nights before. I was taking a lunch break before finishing off the final ‘to do’s’ on the list and was happy to just take a moment and ‘be’. I could relate to the story line of the show as one of the main characters had been through a pretty tragic experience and as a form of therapy chose to write her experience down on paper, which (on the show) ended up in the hands of her friend in NY, and low and behold captured interest from a NY publisher (ahh, yeah, only on TV….I wish it were that easy!!!). At any rate she was skeptical to make that ‘final’ commitment because she then had to think about the implications of putting her personal life out there for the world to share in her deepest darkest secrets and emotions and to one day have her son read this book. Honest to God I thought they’d plagiarized those moments of my discernment and aired them on TV! Finally, in the end, another character who had gone through her own personal suffering went to this soon to be author and said,”Thank you for sharing your story with me. If it weren’t for you sharing your story I would not have been able to cope.” And thus the budding author realized by helping one person it was worth the personal sacrifice to get it out to help many.
*Sigh*
God’s embrace wrapped me tight in His warmth and I knew this 20 minute moment was set forth by His hand so I could feel His tenderness and approval. When I was done basking in the awe and wonder of our Lord I put my dishes away and sat down to continue writing in the book I’m doing for the boys (by their request). After 3 pages were typed out I knew it was time to leave so I saved and closed things up and checked my email one last time.
There it was, an email from Spain in regards to my application to speak at World Youth Day for the second time. The letter was in Spanish but they had something attached so I opened it hoping I’d be able to read and understand if I was chosen. To my luck they did have a letter typed out in English and to my chagrin it was a nice and cordial rejection. My subject of expertise was not needed in their line up of programs. 🙁 I’m not going to lie, I was deflated.
Time was out and I had to leave so I left with tears but a memory of the coat of God’s tenderness that had wrapped me in warmth and acceptance just moments before. Later I had some time to go to the chapel and pour out my confusion and dissappointment to God, asking Him to give me the GRACE to accept His will and to appreciate whatever is to come that is in His will. If he wanted me to ‘poured out and empty’ He had me. I explained this to a dear friend of mine and in her gift of wisdom said, “Isn’t it wonderful that God would think to be so tender and kind to you in order to build you up before you were to receive the disappointment? How would you have accepted it if you had a really bad day and then got that email? You wouldn’t have gone to the chapel and you wouldn’t have given you will over to His. You would just be mad and resentful.”
Oh so true.
As Neal says, “It is what it is.” I do know not to question, at least for too long. He’s opening my schedule, partly by my own discernment and now by His. I am truly an empty vessel for Him to fill and then carry me wherever He sees fit.
I have no expectations. 😉
Blessings
Shannon