Often I have survivors of abuse ready to ‘have their voice’ and it is my pleasure to give them an outlet in order to do so. Here is one survivors special story of healing and grace received through the Sacrament of Reconciliation (within the Catholic faith).
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I only had one sin that I could recall, but it was big enough to keep me from receiving Holy Communion. I went into the confessional and I confessed the sin of fornication. I had been seeing someone and even though I was really good at following the commandments, sex was an issue for me.
I expressed the frustration that I had about my sin and the priest asked me in a gentle voice, “Do you want to talk about it?” I immediately said yes and then he invited me to sit in the chair across from him. Boldly I jumped into that chair and across from me sat the priest in persona Christi ready to take my pain away.
He asked me if anyone had ever violated me sexually. My eyes opened wide and I said yes, many people have. I had been molested by my uncle when I was 9 years old and when I was 13 there was a serious of rapes that I endured during a summer break. I hung my head down and covered my face and I felt the tears creeping up as I heard him ask me a second question. “Do you hate the man who molested you?” he asked. My answer was, “no.” I told him that I knew that hate is not of God and that I forgave my uncle for what he did and hoped that Jesus did too so that he could go up to heaven. He was already dead at that point and I had to think that there is a merciful God who forgave him and I wanted to do the same thing. I remember rambling and defending what I thought I believed and when I was done talking he asked me the second question again. This time he said to me that it was okay for me to want my uncle to be in hell. He said something to this effect of, “I know that you are a good Christian and you want what is Godly for your uncle, but what if you can send him to hell for what he did to you, would you?”
I answered, “yes.” With that yes a tear in my spiritual scar happened and the puss and infection that had built up for years gushed out of it. I started to cry intensely and I whispered the word, “yes” for a second time. I could not believe what I was saying out loud. I had spent years trying to forgive my uncle for not only molesting me, but also bulling me while I was a child in order to get my siblings and cousins on his side and away from me. I know that I was not the only person that he molested, he also raped and molested other members of my family and he tormented almost everyone in my family. No one was ever truly safe around this man, and I was the only one brave enough to say out loud what he did to me. I had taken the situation to counselors and group therapy and even got to the point of being able to have a decent conversation with him before he died. I thought that I had forgiven him, but I didn’t because every part of me wanted him in hell.
The priest sat and waited while I cried. I then whispered the words, “I hate my body.” When I was done the priest filled with joy asked me, “Did you hear that?” Stunned by his joyful question I said, “no, I didn’t hear that.” The priest explained to me that at the same time that I said that I hated my body the priest that was giving the mass said, “This is my body.” He explained that it was Jesus saying to me that my body is now his and that there would be someone who will help show me how to take care of my body. I felt an overwhelming sense of peace at that moment and I knew that something had happened to me that only could have come from Jesus in the sacrament of reconciliation, healing.
I left the confessional and I can’t even remember if I received communion that day or not, but I do remember running into an old friend right out of the church doors that eventually started to show me how to eat a vegetarian diet. I adopted the vegetarian diet and started seeing the changes in my body instantly.
That diet allows me to heal physically. It allowed my lungs to heal enough that I can now reduce my asthma medication intake. I have not had a full blown asthma attack since I changed the diet back in October 2014. What is even better is that I am actually able to see my body in the mirror now. I use to cringe at the view of my body in the mirror. I hated it so badly. I remember saying to my friends, “I hate exercise!” I was disgusted by it, and I wanted to ignore it. Now, I look at my curves and think that I might want to make them a little smaller, but they are beautiful. There is no one in this world that can ever tell me that my body is ugly because now I know different. That is such a big change for me.
What is also a big change for me is that just a few days ago I sat with the widow of my uncle and I heard her tell me what a beautiful man my uncle was. She cried for him because he treated her so well. I sat and thought to myself, maybe he really is in heaven. She doesn’t know what he did to me, and nothing in my soul wants to ruin the image that she has of him. I think that is the biggest healing that I received, the want for him to be in heaven.
Carla Christine Zavala is a survivor of sexual assault and domestic violence. She has overcome the cycle of domestic violence by seeking healing through individual and group counseling, attending various retreats and adoration of the Blessed Sacrament. She is currently pursuing her bachelor degrees from Texas A&M Kingsville in the fields of English and Spanish. She credits her healing to a complete spiritual surrender to Jesus Christ during a retreat on March 6, 2010. Since that day she has seen rapid recovery from the effects that sexual assault and domestic violence has had on her. On March 22, 2012 she received the greatest healing that she could have spiritually through deliverance. She knows that deliverance was nothing more than Jesus Christ showing His mercy on her and wishes that mercy to be shown to other survivors of sexual assault and domestic violence. She is now openly writing about her testimony in hopes that other men and women may find healing.