I’m always learning and growing. This morning Neal and I sat down to work on answering questions for our Teams of Our Lady meeting that we have tomorrow (this is a Catholic Couple’s group) and in doing so we realized we had a lot to work on in regards to this specific chapter.
The chapter, titled “I Forgive You and Ask for Forgiveness” is from Happy Together by John Bosio.
It focused on how a couple argues and how to break a destructive pattern. He discussed the concept of the Four Horsemen:
1) Criticism – blaming one’s spouse for something that has happened. This is different from a complaint which is more of a disagreement that can be stated in a respectful manner and not intended to hurt. Bosio goes on to say, “The more habitual this behavior the more likely this ‘horseman’ will take up residence and invite in a second one – contempt.”
2) Contempt – happens when a spouse insults the other knowing that this will cause pain to that person. “When contempt is present,” Bosio says, “defensiveness, the third horseman, follows closely behind.”
3) Defensiveness – the counterattack of one spouse to the contemptuous remarks or criticism of the other. “As mutual attacks escalate, one spouse will start stonewalling,” Bosio states.
4) Stonewalling – when one person intentionally ignores anything the other says or gives the silent treatment. “This behavior sends the message that, ‘Whatever you are saying is not worth listening or responding to. You are insignificant to me.’ which produces a cycle of negativity that progressively erodes the bond and destroys anything positive that exists in the marriage.”
Interesting enough as we tried to answer the questions at the end of learning about all of this in the chapter we ended up, you guessed it, in an argument. 🙁 Thankfully, since we had just read the ‘breaking the pattern’ segment of the chapter somehow we managed to push past our pride and instill the suggested ‘time out’ “to regain composure and rationality” as Bosio says. Neal said he needed time to blow off some steam and I needed that time to really think about the root of the argument which, once I laid my pride aside, was something I did need to learn to let go and forgive. Ugh…so hard…but detrimental.
Bosio goes on to say that “Forgiveness is an attitude and needs to become a way of life for spouses who want to succeed in marriage…The root of forgiveness in marriage is the realization that we are imperfect and that we need to be forgiven.” It isn’t easy, it’s unnatural. Bosio quotes Pope John Paul II “Certainly, forgiveness does not come spontaneously or naturally to people. Forgiving from the heart can sometimes be heroic.” It is about accepting the challenge of living with the consequences of what your spouse has done. Which means letting go of the anger, the fear, the hurt and pain you feel. It is a work of grace and an act of love.
I think this goes for all relationships and not just marriage. Once Neal walked back into the house I admitted where I was at fault and apologized, and he did the same. It is never easy to recognize where the fault lies within us but it is comforting to know that the person you love is willing to accept you and allow you to grow and move forward.
For a day that is intended to be uneventful and restful it has been a trying one for me. I also disappointed a friend of mine because I made a decision to do something that I wanted to do. I was going on an apparent misconception of the overall situation and thought it could be an easy fix. I hate it when I disappoint. It is never a good feeling. I wish I were the type of person to let things go and not care. But thenI wouldn’t be me! 😉
As Neal says, ‘It is what it is.’ I am still learning…
Blessings
Shannon