One hand gripped the side of the passenger car door as the other held tight to the dashboard. “Slow down, slower, SLOWER!” I commanded from my post as driving instructor to my soon to be 15-year-old son, Ryan.
“Mom, you’re making me nervous,” he spat.
The car came to a sudden stop a few feet from the designated STOP sign. Ryan needed to inch the car up a few feet more in order to see clearly if a car was coming to his right or left before turning. “Go a little bit further,” I coaxed.
He inched forward and prepared to turn. But he was still not far enough to see clearly if another car was in his path. The fact that he was willing to make a turn without being able to see troubled me and my hope began to fade for his ability to drive.
Granted, he is new at driving, but the fear has set in. The ‘What If’s’ have set up shop and worry has come to wreak havoc. Not that I haven’t ever worried about my children’s safety or health. From the moment of conception I’ve found myself anxious about the delivery, or once born if they were too quiet when sleeping I’d find myself placing a hand on the small of their back or stomach just to feel the rise and fall of the breath of life.
As they got older and became more self-sufficient I found more comfort in the directive:
“Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. Sufficient for a day is its own evil.” Matthew 6:34
But here I am, succumbing to the desire to find some control in the matter so I can prevent myself from ever having to know what it feels like to be on the opposite side of ‘What If’. I don’t want to know the answer to ‘How Will I Survive?’
The mention of that statement and the implication behind it makes a parent want to go above and beyond the control issues of being a ‘helicopter’ parent into downright insanity, locking the kids up in a room where they can’t hurt themselves, or others, contract any form of illness or disease and remain safe.
It sounds crazy and it is crazy. And we feel this way because of our own insecurity and, if we are honest with ourselves, lack of faith. The truth is we’ve been given the blessing of raising our children in a manner that allows them to become the men and women that God created them to be. God has given them each a purpose to administer in this life, complete with gifts and talents.
If we trust in God and His plan for our lives then we need to also trust in God and His plan for our children’s lives, even if that means it is to be short-lived.
When I was a sophomore in high school, my first love, Joe, was a senior and the star basketball player. He had signed on to play basketball for Baylor University and had a bright future ahead of him. However, half way into his senior year he was tragically killed in a car accident. An accident. It could not have been foretold nor prevented. Joe was the youngest of three children and as we can all imagine his parents were devastated. But one lesson in life I’ll never forget is the gift I received in witnessing his parents accept and embrace their loss through the power of their faith.
Joe was not gone, they kept his memory alive. They didn’t remain in this need for time to stop or to go back to a place where he was physically with us in this world. Instead, they found the strength to carry on where he had left off. They embraced his passions and made a scholarship for others who had the same passions to have an opportunity to grow.
Years later in youth ministry I experienced this same resolve of faith in loss. Witnessing the parents of a young woman who’d lost her life to at tragic accident stoically accept the truth of God’s plan and vow to keep their child’s memory alive by helping other young people claim their purpose and have the opportunity to succeed. However, despite this outward resolve to accept the truth of their reality, it didn’t mean they were suddenly able to ‘get over it’. As Lori, the mother of Kate, explains:
“It’s that, in our reality “happiness” or moving forward, or engaging life in new ways, does not have to exist exclusively with the absence of sadness, sorrow, longing, pain. Maybe it is obvious to those who have been in extreme pain, but it seems that these days in spiritual and psychological circles of political correctness the goal is so much on “healing the wound” that for those who can’t or at least haven’t yet, this failure discourages them from moving forward in anyway. In my experience, for some who see themselves as having failed to heal or process the loss, they often isolate themselves because they are embarrassed that they haven’t done better in the healing process, and if they are spiritual people, they feel they have let God and their spiritual community down by not processing the loss in a more full, surrendering, letting-go, spiritual way.
We still tell God (or at least I do) how unfair and stupid the whole thing is, BUT we have decided and come to realize that the most searing loss can co-exist with new life, inclusively. We refuse to let it keep us from moving forward intonew life. Half of us can be limping, and tripping and crying and distracted and afraid, but the other half can strike out, move forward, try new things, keep going, and drag that other half along. It may not be pretty, and not nearly as efficient as someone not dragging that load, and half the time we feel like we look like idiots without any stability or finesse, but if you tell me I can only move forward when I let go of this load, I will tell you fine, then I’m not moving because I’m not letting it go right now and I may not ever. I do not mean that a person shouldn’t try to heal, reach out and seek help from grief support, counselors, spiritual directors, etc., we have done that for five years and it is vitally important, but just don’t wait for a complete healing and letting go before moving forward, and definitely don’t judge one’s progress harshly. View the moving forward more as a challenge instead of a threat, regardless of how imperfect it is.”
‘What if?’ and ‘How will I survive?’ are questions led by fear and can result in actions that only serve to hinder your child’s journey. The real question we should ask ourselves is “Do I trust in the Lord?” if the answer is a resounding ‘Yes!’ then we must live in trust. If you find yourself wavering on your ‘yes’ take this to prayer, offer it up daily asking God to ‘help me trust you more’.
In the meantime, we must equip our kids the best we know how, giving them room for error in order to grow and learn from their own mistakes. I’m personally saving up to get a Hum V for Ryan’s first car. (Closest to bubble wrap I can get. 😉 )
Let me hear from you! If you are a seasoned parent who has gone through similar loss or struggles and have words of encouragement for other parents who live in this fear of the ‘What if’ or ‘How can I’ please leave a comment below.
Blessings
Shannon
*This post was originally featured on Choose-Now Ministries Shannon Deitz: On Hope 7/2013