This morning I struggled. Some days it seems to be seesaw moments of the assurance of validation in what I’m doing. One day I’m ‘up’ with confidence and sureness that my feet are stepping on the right path. The next day I’m ‘down’ with doubts, questioning my own humility and motivation which. Thankfully the these moments only last long enough for me to be pulled back ‘up’ to God.
“Trust me and don’t be afraid.” Today’s message read in Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. “I want you to view trials as exercises designed to develop your trust muscles,” the message continued.
So submit yourselves to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. James 4:7 The Word encouraged.
I wrote the following in my journal, “How quick I am to go from fully trusting YOU to doubting what is planned for me. I’m sorry. I think the best thing is that I’ve recognized this and know my doubt is what the enemy wants. Lord, I truly do trust you.”
Followed my an onset of refreshing tears I finished getting dressed for Mass. I knew that I might be a Eucharistic Minister so I made sure I wore pants (crop) and a shirt that covered my shoulders. The particular shirt I chose was long and covered other areas that grew a bit over the summer. 😉
“The Lord is my Shepherd, there is nothing I shall want,” the Psalm proclaimed today and I embraced the Word and allowed it to flow within me. As I served the precious blood to my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ I internally thanked God for the gift we receive in the Eucharist. By the time I left Mass I was in a calm, good place.
Headed to Hobby Lobby for a few items to use for my time at next week’s Catholic Media Network Trade Show I walked in the door, turned to get a cart and when I turned back around the woman at the closest register and her customers, a mother and three girls, were staring at me. The mother walked up to me and said, “You might want to pull your shirt down. You have a bit of a hole in the back of your pants.”
I smiled. “Oh, now. Okay, thank you,” I said and pulled my shirt down (thankfully it covered past my bottom). With no hesitation I took my cart and walked over to the display of Thanksgiving items and acted like I was interested (when in reality I was trying to be as cool as I could be because all I really wanted to do was feel the back of my pants to figure out where this hole was and how big it could be!). Pride kept me looking for a few more minutes then I headed to the aisle to get the few items I needed. When I felt like I had a private moment I searched for the hole and realized it was near the back pocket and not so little….at the time it felt like the width of three fingers! 🙁
I tugged my shirt over it and walked with one hand on the cart and the other keeping my shirt over the hole. Upon checking out I laughed it off with the cashier and headed out as fast as I could manage without revealing more of myself to anyone. When I climbed in the car I realized I was feeling more of the seat than I should be…the rip had spread. But I still had errands to run and I was 15 minutes from the house.
Macy’s was literally right in front of me so I decided to brave the embarrassment and head over to get some new pants. However, as I tried to back out of the parking spot my brakes were making a strange squealing noise, not the usual high-pitched squeal worn brakes make but a lower growl. I put the car in drive and braved getting out to see if maybe there was something under my car that I was dragging with me. I hopped out, pulled the shirt over my pants and surveyed the car. Nothing.
When I climbed in again I felt the rip clear down to the back of the upper part of my thigh. By the time I was in Macy’s I could feel my entire ‘cheek’ was EXPOSED! 🙁 I started to laugh out loud at myself. “Really?” I thought.
I walked through the door to Macy’s and a saleswoman was standing there. They had moved the ladies department and I was in the men’s! I was still laughing as I went up to her and she smiled real big. “You look happy, ” she said.
“Well, I will be in a few minutes! I ripped a hole in the back of my pants. Where is the ladies department.”
“Really?” she said and looked me over but I had it covered with my shirt. “You would never tell and you are so happy?” She smiled again. “The ladies is just over that way.”
Fifteen minutes later I was in a dressing room with some jeans from the Clearance rack. Perfect fit and no ink tag! Thank God! I walked out with them on, ripped pants in hand and went up to a salesperson showing her the pants and told her I needed to buy the jeans I was wearing. Her eyes got big when she saw the rip and I could tell she was trying not to laugh. She looked me over to make sure there wasn’t an ink tag and let me rip off the sale tag. Best deal of the day – $90 jeans for $24! 😉
As I headed out the door to my car I passed the first saleswoman again. “You look great in those jeans!” she proclaimed. “I love those, I’m going over there to get me a pair too!” 😉 I laughed and thanked her. “You made my day today,” she said.
Puzzled, I asked, “Why?”
“Because you were so happy when you came in just seeing your smile made me smile. And to hear that you were covering up that hole, I thought, ‘I need to remember just to smile through it.’ Right?” she said.
Now I couldn’t contain the smile on my face. I nodded, “Right.” I said.
Think about being on a seesaw, there are only two ways to stay ‘down’…if you refuse to push off the ground and if there is no one on the other side.
Push back…and keep God as your partner. 🙂
Blessings
Shannon
