I’ve been beating myself up pretty badly this entire week. It was a grace to have a spiritual direction appointment on Friday morning with Fr. Alfonso. Before the appointment I attended Mass and he did a homily on the Gospel about Jesus clearing the temple from being a market place. Fr. Alfonso correlated the temple with our own selves and how we need to ‘clear it out’ of all the lies and distractions that keep us from hearing God and receiving Him.
After praying to begin the session Fr. Alfonso said, “So what’s been going on over this past month?”
Much to my own surprise I began to rattle off how disappointed I felt in myself. I didn’t feel good as a wife, mother, friend, or daughter. I told him about the most recent issue with what happened to Seth and the choices I had made.
Fr. Alfonso smiled and said, “You are not expected to be perfect. Mary is a good example of this. Think about when Jesus was left at the Temple. For three days she didn’t realize he was gone. Three days!” His eyes opened wide as he brought me to that time long ago when a mother and father assumed their son was with them and assumed he was okay but realized that he had been missing. “Can you imagine what she felt about herself at that time? But she didn’t beat herself up over this mistake. She rejoiced in finding her son was safe and let it go. We are not made to be perfect.”
I have never looked at Mary as that human before. I’ve mediated on the mystery of her becoming pregnant, rushing to be with Elizabeth and simply believing she was pregnant even though she wasn’t showing yet, and then what it must have felt like to be 9 months pregnant traveling on a donkey in the middle of no where. I could sum up what I would feel like at those moments but I always envisioned her supernatural ability to just endure.
But she was human too. Her endurance and perseverance were no different than the ability God has given to me and you.
Our conversation turned into this issue of the pressure I feel to make others happy. He said, “All you can do is love others as you love yourself. When you treat others the same way you feel you deserve to be treated then that is all you can offer. The number one commandment is to love God and that is who our happiness should come from, so it is on them if they rely on you for their happiness.”
“If you feel others deserve more than you feel you deserve for yourself then you are creating them into idols. That is what needs to be ‘cleared’ from your temple. Love yourself, Shannon,” he said.
It’s funny because I felt like I did! 😉 But when he put it to me in that context I realize how there are areas in which I need to ‘clear out’ of my temple and let go in order to fully love myself.
There is so much more that I soaked in from that one hour of spiritual direction. My prayer is we all learn to accept our humanness and imperfection, so that the love we have for ourself will radiate to those around us.
Blessings
Shannon