I’m not good enough. I’ve thought this many times for numerous scenarios and it seems to be the theme that surrounds me these past few months, not just with my own past wounds but with others around me. On more than one occasion I’ve spoken with someone who seems intrigued or drawn to my spirituality and when I suggest that I am no different from them the ultimate response is ‘Oh, no. I’m not good enough.’ Or ‘not that good’. My standard reply is, “Who is?” 😉 I have documentation and even eye witnesses to suggest that I shouldn’t be in God’s good graces but miraculously because I choose to accept the truth of the crucifixion I AM, AS ARE YOU.
Recently I had one of these encounters just before heading out on my trip to New York City. That morning I actively prayed to God to allow me the gift to show up for Him that day and before I knew it I was in this conversation with someone who longs to be ‘in good graces’ as they put it but feels their sins are just too bad. I knew where they were coming from and I was anxious for this person to turn this lie around. We talked in-depth about the things I felt were ‘unforgiveable’ and yet God wiped the slate clean and has taken me where I thought I’d never venture. We talked about other sins I knew of friends committing that seem to be ‘the granddaddy of all sins’ and yet they TOO were forgiven and living a life of freedom.
Nope. This one was a hard sell. We finally got down to the truth of the resistance. “I’m afraid to accept the forgiveness because that means I’ll have to live that life. What if I can’t live that life?” I know this thought well. It kept me from true freedom for years. Just the thought of having to become a ‘goody goody’ or ‘holier than thou’ or ‘lace and button up stuffy’ made me hold onto the threads of the lie that kept me tethered and hanging in the pit. I tried several ways to keep the conversation going but I was losing them and realized the best shot at this point was simply to ‘show up’ in my actions. God willing another time to break open this conversation will be had again.
Not long after this conversation I was standing in New York City, my head spinning from the near death taxi ride from La Guardia Airport and with eyes wide open took in a multitude of people that were rushing from here to there. It seemed a bit ironic that I have this conversation of being ‘good enough’ and ‘afraid to be who God wants us to be’ and here I was standing in a place that was overcrowded with people who seemed to be ‘running’ from that feeling of ‘not being good enough’.
For four days the pace was fast and the sights were non-stop amazing. A true 180 from the slow Texas crawl. Neal and I went with another couple to New York and though I had been a number of times before I hadn’t been in nearly 12 years. Every chance that was given I was meeting new people, asking where they were from, how long had they been in New York, etc. We managed to hit all the must see highlights in the city and by Sunday morning on the death-defying taxi ride back to La Guardia Airport we were tuckered out and ready to see our families.
- Bridge in Central Park…not long after we saw Hoda Copy walk by. Michelle didn’t even realize she was saying it but she said, “Oh! There is Hoda!” and Hoda looked right at her, smilled and said, “Hello”. There is nothing more enjoyable than to see pure joy on someone’s face from an unexpected moment.
- By Saturday night I was ready to experience Mass at St. Patrick’s Cathedral. It was a little bit like being at a World Youth Day celebrating Mass with people from all over the world! I heard so many different languages around me…I just love being ‘universal’. 🙂
