Vacation is over. I’m sitting on the bed typing this (because the wind we’ve had all week has died down and though it is only 8:30am here it is HOT outside) and enjoying this view for one last time.
It’s funny how Neal and I are so in sync when it comes to vacations. We love to get up as early as we can, take the earliest flight so we can get to our destination and ENJOY…but when it’s time to go home something with us clicks back ‘ON’ and we are up, packed, ready to go. Except our flight doesn’t leave till 2pm and so now I have 3 more hours before our ferry leaves for St. Maarten. What to do? Yes, yes, I know, I’m sure I’ll go out onto the beach and bid my goodbye but it also gives me time to do a Just Show Up recap of my vacation.
Granted I didn’t do very well at staying completely away from blogging…but I made sure I did it when there was NOTHING ELSE going on. 😉 Besides, I blogged when I felt called to share. This vacation has been a different type of vacation for me. This YEAR has been a different year for me so it goes hand in hand. In many ways this was a mixture of a personal retreat, internal check and family bonding.
No doubt about it I have been very ‘needy’ this year in regards to what I expect from my family and friends. Having all of my pieces come together, understanding more about me and reasoning behind some of my behaviors (past and present) has also led me to a place of expectation of what I deserve.
Writing that phrase even leads me to an internal battle – “I don’t ‘deserve’ anything.” A part of me says… “There are healthy expectations of what you deserve as a friend, a wife, and a mother.” The other half of me is learning to embrace.
For instance, before I left on this trip I was struggling with a few things personally and what I’ve learned in the course of this 8 days is that I don’t like feeling as if I’m ‘expendable’. I cherish the relationships I create whether it is with a family member or a friend and if I’m so easily put aside then apparently my friendship is no longer ‘in season’. We all make mistakes, Lord knows I make them daily ;), but I’ve come to realize a huge part of my life, through every stage, I’ve put forth a great amount of energy trying hard to make things better, regardless of the fault line, and often in the end I was the one left nursing the wounds of unworth wondering what more could I have done?
Through a great amount of prayer I’ve felt a sense of release wash over me. Let it go, The Lord whispered. This isn’t about any one else but me learning to believe that I am good enough on my own. My family and the friends that come in my life for a lifetime or a season are merely the support and added blessing to who I am but in the end I need to be comfortable knowing if I were left alone it would still be good because of who I am.
I also learned that I am exactly where He wants me to be and that is a very very good feeling. Yesterday we took a sailing trip on the Tradition sailboat and there was one couple that made the trip with our group plus the captain and his girlfriend who acted as his first mate. At the end of the day after many conversations I was rewarded with the continued encouragement that Hopeful Hearts Ministry is needed. I’ll leave it at that.
It hasn’t been all about me and my need for self-actualization and healing. My admiration for my children has grown exponentially. Watching my oldest who used to hunker in his room and balk at any thought of exploring, getting outdoors and experiencing life was snorkeling every chance given, lead our family to the Anguilla museum where we learned about the entire history of the people and the land which led to a trek to find Iguana cave.
By grace of God ‘showing up’ we found a guide to take us on the tour of this cave who happened to be a part of the oldest family on the island – the Hodge family – and later I was told that Oliver Hodge is probably the most affluent in the Anguillan history, also having just retired from the government.
Seth came out of his shell and wanted to try everything that came his way. When Charles offered to teach him to drive I knew that was it. He was hooked. Not sure if driving on the wrong side of the road (because that’s how they do it here in Anguilla) was a smart way to teach him to drive for the first time but he did amazing. Only once did I hear either of them complain and that was about each other! 😉
Finally, my love for Neal and an appreciation for the man that he is deepened. He led our family, prayed with us, encouraged us to try new things, and stepped in as nurturer when I was too sick to move. (One of our kids got sick on the sail in the beginning and I was nearly right beside him and couldn’t think to move…)
The vacation is not all about the destination. Though, don’t get me wrong, I know we are beyond blessed to have had this opportunity to explore this far away island and drink in its beauty. But I believe vacation is stepping away from the build up of expectations, deadlines, pre-conceived notions, and duties and embracing the basics. It is unfortunate that it took me at least 3-4 days to really ‘get there’ but it doesn’t matter if you are on the beach, in the mountains, desert, or in your backyard with the ‘outside world’ unplugged, everyone deserves to ‘vacate’ and come back to who they are.
How long has it been for you since you’ve truly ‘vacationed’? Maybe it’s time to give yourself and maybe even your family that gift of stepping outside of life and getting back to you.
Blessings
Shannon