Part II to a young college woman’s quest into finding where God feels her faith home should be… quite insightful:
So what does my family think of all this? Naturally, they have their opinions and disagreements. My sisters live with me and have been more exposed to my explorations, so I think they are a bit more understanding. My family has always been respectful of my journey. I was surprised that as hard as it was to officially tell my family I was starting RCIA, the world didn’t end. They were a bit concerned and wanted to talk to me about how I arrived at this decision, but they didn’t disown me! My family will always love me. I haven’t had the chance to sit down and talk to my parents much this semester about my faith journey, but I look forward to the opportunity over Christmas. I think my mom has some people at the Methodist church lined up for me to talk to! I welcome the opportunity!
If what I am exploring is truth, then the Holy Spirit will guide me and the words I say will survive the refining fire! I know that this is still extremely difficult on my parents, and such an emotional time. My prayer has become for God to heal the wounds before they happen. At first I prayed this rather desperately, still afraid of the eminent pain. But you know what? God answers prayers! He truly does! My parents love me and deep down I know they are excited for what God is doing in my life.
My sisters are extremely involved in a campus ministry called Campus Crusade for Christ. While this is an interdenominational organization, most members are Protestant Evangelical. They are all lovely people! Who are in love with Jesus and seek to share the Gospel with everyone they find. My sister Alyssa actually went on a mission trip to East Asia this summer for six week with Crusade. Something that began to weigh heavily on my heart was the fact that the Catholic Church has perhaps historically been less vocal about sharing the faith. My sisters know this too and can’t imagine why I would want to join such a church. Alyssa told me that if I was going to become Catholic, then start a revolution! A revolution of Catholics who truly understand and profess their faith. I believe such a faith revolution is already happening in our time. St. Mary’s is a great example. I have found a growing community of people who deeply understand and appreciate the rich beauty of God and His Church. It is only by us as individuals living out the sacrifice of the Mass, laying down our lives for one another in love that we will continue and strengthen this “revolution.” As a bit of a side note, this year has been declared the year of Faith. What a beautiful and special (really perfect) time for me to enter into full communion with the Church!
I said above that I am looking forward to speaking with my concerned friends and family over Christmas, but truthfully, I did not always feel this way. There are roller coaster type of days when my heart and head swing between conviction and confusion. If this is happening to you, this is okay! Your faith is being tested and strengthened. Up until about a month ago, if a hard theological point was troubling me, I would simply lay it aside, go to Mass and simply rest in the arms of Jesus. This is certainly a great way to remind ourselves that God’s love is the only things that matters! However, a few weeks ago, I realized that spouting off theological points to my family and friends were not going to be helpful to the situation. I must understand the truths deeply in my heart if I am to be edifying to those around me. I could talk all day about theology, but if I have not love, it profits me nothing. Most especially, my sisters and parents would be able to see through my fake facade of belief. Besides, I will stand before Jesus one day and He will ask me why I did this. Why did I join the Catholic Church? Hurt my family? What will I tell him? I had to come to a place in my heart (not head!) that would answer this. Jesus, I am joining the Church because I love you. I feel your love through the Church and it is where I will grow in my love for you. Jesus I believe, help my unbelief! I know that God is merciful and that He sees the intentions of our hearts. Whenever I might have apprehensions about my choice to become Catholic, I remember that God is merciful and if by chance I am totally wrong and the Catholic Church is not it professes to be (though that is highly unlikely!) I know that as long as my actions are animated by love, Jesus will have mercy on me.
Over the past two years of studying on my own, I realized that I was sticking myself in a little “Catholic box.” I had started to buy into some of the misconceptions of the Church, maybe acted a certain way in trying to be pious. Perhaps I held a certain level of fear in my heart, forgetting the overwhelming love and mercy of God. But after attending the Tenth Avenue North and Audrey Assad (she is my hero!) concert in Houston last weekend, I was reminded of the love of God that unites every church. Audrey is also a Catholic convert and it was so refreshing to see her up on stage, worshipping with Tenth Avenue. The devil had been driving a wedge between me and my family. When my mom flat out told me she wasn’t going to come to my Confirmation at the Easter Vigil, my first thought was “fine, I have plenty of other St. Mary’s family!” While true, I realized now that this was TOTALLY the wrong reaction. I do not have to disprove or denounce every part of the Protestant faith in order to justify my actions. My best advice is this: Do not be afraid to love what is good in every church. Christ and the Holy Spirit are present. Love what is good, have peace in attending the Christian worship services of others who are not Catholic, knowing that we love and adore and worship the same Creator of the Universe. In heaven, all walls will fall, all divisions will unite and all God’s children will in one voice sing the unending hymn. I have also realized that God designed me to know in love Him in a way that is unique to me. It was in the Protestant church that I came to love and faith in God. This Is good and holy! I can still enjoy the attitude of worship that I had as a child in the Protestant church. If I feel like I have to act a certain way because now I am Catholic, then don’t be that Catholic! I don’t have to be the Catholic everyone thinks is weighted with guilt and too quiet to share their faith. God did not mean for me to totally change my personality or attitude of faith. I may have come to a deeper understanding of truth, but I still need to be the spunky, on-fire, free-spirit Christian He made me to be!
Ultimately, none of this is about me. It is about Christ and bringing His healing love to a dark and broken world. I am joining the Catholic Church because I know it is where I can be rejuvenated in this love and become better equipped to love the world. Something else that God has taught me through this is that true joy and love comes out of perfect suffering. This is why Catholics keep a crucifix. Look at Jesus on the cross. Perfect love. Perfect suffering. Perfect passion. I feel that the joy that permeates the Protestant church is a beautiful and holy thing, but it is almost like every Sunday is Easter. But we can’t have Easter until after Good Friday. This is the Mass. We honor Jesus’ sacrifice, united ourselves to His suffering, pick up our cross and follow Him. Only then can we sing “Behold the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world” and experience the joy of the Resurrection. There is nothing wrong with suffering, it is sobering. When we suffer with Christ, we are made holy by His love. And only after we have suffered and cried Kyrie eleison, can we truly know joy.
I pray God’s richest blessings on your as you continue your faith journey. In the words of Matt Maher, “we are all pilgrims on the journey to the truth!” Pray for God to reveal in your heart all He wants to teach you and don’t be afraid to believe that the higher beauty and love of heaven can truly be known on this earth. God’s abundant blessings be upon you always!
I also love the words of St. Thérèse of Lisieux
“May today there be peace within.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content knowing you are a child of God.
Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.
It is there for each and every one of us.”
Your sister in Christ,
Kaitlyn
Blessings
Shannon