I haven’t written a sincere ‘post’ in a while because I’ve been trying to keep preoccupied. I still struggle with going between the thinking of: ‘This is no big deal, I should just go along like it’s just any other ole surgery.’ and ‘Wow. I have cancer. Wow.’
You all have been great. Truly. Amazing. Awesome. Glorious. Divine. Gracious. Loving. Simply the bees knees. 😉
And I have heard countless upon countless stories of sisters, grandmothers, aunts, friends, etc etc who have had the same cancer five years ago, ten years ago, a few years ago, etc that have gone through it. No problem. Easy breezy. No worries. No big deal.
But man. When I sit and think about being cut on my throat… ugh. 🙁 Hmmm. Well, even if they were removing a freaking wart. It’s feeling like a big deal to me. 🙂 Just sayin’…..honestly. 🙂
So I’ve battled over doing a post like this BECAUSE I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I don’t want anyone who has come to me and maybe said these things to think (or feel) ‘Oh no, I made it worse.’ Or “I shouldn’t have said that.”
NO. Right now, before I go any further. Hush that lie. You stop right there because you are a blessing to me and I’m grateful for you and love you that you are that close to me to want to make me feel at ease. kisses…. 🙂
But here’s my truth. Having cancer is a lot like admitting you’ve been abused. It’s so foreign and uncomfortable to many that they just don’t know how to handle it. What I find ironic in this similarity is that I used to get so upset that breast cancer could get so much attention in the month of October, yet in the same month it is Domestic Violence Awareness month and no one really knows about that. I don’t see FaceBook profiles changing to purple ribbons or too many awareness posts to people’s pages. And April is Sexual Assault Awareness and Child Abuse Prevention but the awareness is rare…not ‘in your face’ like the pink ribbons.
Regardless of who gets the most ‘attention’ I have found that cancer and abuse get the same reactions.
When you tell someone you’re an abuse survivor they tend to (almost literally) freeze up. You can almost read their mind “Ugh, what do I say? How do I react? … How can I deflect and move away from this conversation?” It is so uncomfortable a topic no one even knows what to say. Maybe they’ve never been abused…or they have but have worked so hard to hide the remnants of it… either way… no one knows what to say or how to react.
The same goes for cancer. Cancer to most = death. So when most hear “I have cancer.” then they tend to want to reassure the person who has the cancer that they’ll be ‘just fine’… or sometimes they mumble an ‘I’m sorry’ and quickly find a way out of the conversation. But for the most part I’ve f0und that people sincerely want to make sure you are okay so they will give you examples of why and how they know you’ll be okay. But in reality they can’t fathom the idea of someone near to them having cancer and consequently dying.
Both are uncomfortable situations. Both lead to very awkward conversations. And both are situations that the person who has the ‘issue’ (abuse or cancer) will have to find an inner strength to battle.
So ultimately what I’ve learned in talking to those who have either situation ( and in many ways I believe this can go for those who have lost a loved one and you don’t know what to say):
Address the hurt first. Example. Abuse: “I’m so sorry that happened to you. It’s not right, you are worth more than that.” or Cancer: “I’m so sorry. This is just not cool or fair.” or Death: “I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s just awful.”
Then give HOPE. Then once you’ve validated the person in their hurt/pain/loss then maybe you can venture with HOPE: (Be sure to be weary of the person or situation…sometimes HOPE needs to be introduced weeks after discovery/diagnosis/loss)
Example. Abuse: “You survived what you went through which means you are strong. God has so much more planned for you than what was done to you in the past.” or Cancer: “I know this is scary but I do know that you are a strong person who can beat this. In fact, I know… (feel free to insert your examples of success here).” And Death: “I can’t even begin to know what you are suffering through right now, but I know I’m here to listen, pray, and /or just to be with you as you go through this because I know you have the strength to continue for them.”
I’ve suffered through many things in my life and there were countless moments I simply didn’t know what to say. And some times I felt that silence with an unspoken support was all that was needed.
Finally, the other similarity between the two (Cancer vs Abuse) is that they are both silent and unseen spirit snatchers. So many of your family and friends are living with you, working beside you, and attending church with you that could be suffering from either past abuse or cancer (or both). Both are silent. You often have no idea the person has it or has suffered through it in their past because they haven’t had the ability yet to deal with it in the proper context. Or (as with cancer, and even some past child abuses) they don’t even know they have it yet either…so when it does come to light it is quite shocking.
Ultimately I believe we are all desperate to want others to not feel pain. We don’t want to know that those we love are hurting, or have been hurt, and could stand to lose either their life or a part of who they are as we’ve come to know them. Therefore we are desperate to make it all better. And there is nothing wrong with loving to that degree.
Going through the hardships is tough but it’s also what makes life so fruitful. Because we can then celebrate together having gone through these really tough times together.
Personally, I am grateful for your prayers. My surgery is on Ash Wednesday, March 1st, and though I know it will all be fine, I am still nervous about it. 😉 So thank you in advance for loving me through the natural nerves.
Blessings
Shannon
Check out my story in EXPOSED and REDEEMED available on Amazon. 