An on-going theme these past few weeks of my life has been SURRENDER. It is the message that keeps popping up in devotionals, sermons, readings, even the support group I attend. Simply surrender.
Surrender to the Lord everything and trust He has your best interest in His plan. Which, if you believe in God, and you believe in His grace then it should be natural for us to believe He has only the best for us to come.
What woke me up this morning was the thought ‘I can surrender but it doesn’t work if I don’t feel I am worthy of what ‘His best’ is to come.’ If I don’t think that I am worthy of His best then no matter if I surrendered I would still be preventing myself from receiving the ‘best’ because my heart would be closed off to what that could possibly be.
Recently, when visiting my cousin, Jenn, who is a fabulous photographer here in Colorado, she had me take this Enneagram test. It’s another one of those detailed personality tests that, I’m guessing, has an intent of helping you figure out your strengths and weaknesses in an effort to not only better understand the ‘why’ behind your innate responses to life but also to possibly strive for a ‘healthy version’ of your personality type. Better understanding the why and then possibly focusing on highlighting the positives of who you are.
Simple enough. I did the test and I am a true 2… which means I am ‘the caring and interpersonal type’. It gives a nice list of the main great qualities I have being a ‘2’… and not to be the pessimist but I couldn’t help but be drawn to the ‘basic fear’ of a ‘2’: ‘ fear of being loveless, that there is no love’ and the ‘basic desire’ for a ‘2’: ‘To feel love to be at one with love, to be a source of love in the world.’ and finally, the ‘life script’ of a ‘2’: ‘in search of closeness’.
What was even better is this: KEY MOTIVATIONS – “Want to be loved, to express their feelings for others, to be needed and appreciated, to get others to respond to them, to vindicate their claims about themselves.”
I had to laugh out loud in complete humility ‘to vindicate their claims about themselves’…. oh if that isn’t me to a tee! Absolutely. It’s disgusting, right? This enneagram, though speaking so much of me loving and needing to be loved, the way I see it at the moment is a bit of my ugly. It sounds almost desperate.
But it’s true.
However, the key here is WHO is love. God is love. So if I look at it this way maybe it will help me with the feeling of worthiness in order to not only completely surrender but believe I am worth the gift in complete surrender. If I replace the word ‘love’ with ‘God’ then I:
Have a fear of being without God.
A basic desire to feel God and be one with God.
I am still in search of closeness (with God).
Therefore, my key motivation is wanting the love of God, wanting to express this love to others and to try and live out a life that others see God in me.
Now I can surrender. Because I don’t have a fear of God not loving me and I am certain my heart will never change wanting to love those around me.
This week is a difficult one. We bury my father’s ashes tomorrow on our property at Twin Lakes and we are having another service/ reception for all of those whom he loved here in Twin Lakes. Mom has asked me to do another eulogy… this one will be different. The time he spent here he was a different man than those of you who might have known him in business, or as a judge, etc. Here, in Twin Lakes, my dad fully embraced being ‘retired’ and he embraced every bit of tranquility and peace the Rocky Mountains had to offer. It will be good, though, a sense of closure that is definitely needed.
Thank you everyone for all of your love and support. Whether or not you choose to take the Enneagram test, and regardless of what ‘number’ you are… remember this, God loves you. No matter what. Even despite your ugly. Surrender to Him. Know that you are worthy of what He has in store for you!!!