Ashamed. This is how I feel. I messed up today. With every ounce of sincerity I can say it was not intentional. But I messed up and at this moment I feel like it can’t be repaired but I offer it up to the Lord that He will mend what I’ve certainly broken.
In a heated discussion with my youngest son, who is also my most sensitive child, I was fed up with the hormonal and irrational defiant behavior that has left me to think to myself, “Where is my sweet little boy? Who is this child with a disrespectful attitude, eyes rolling and excuse for everything?”
It’s been building up and today it let loose. From the moment he got in the car through the 10 minute drive home and into the house he managed to turn something he’d done into everyone else’s fault and then it unleashed a pile of issues. Frustrated I took this (WRONG) moment to speak my opinion on some other things that I’ve been keeping in the back of my mind, not speaking them out loud because I knew he would take them personally and retain them not as means of concern (which is what I truly mean them to be) but as a personal fault.
The moment I said what I said I knew I’d lost my position. I didn’t say ‘the word’ that I knew he felt but I brought up the subject at the wrong time and in a heated moment which was just like saying it. Standing before me, my son asked me to leave his room because I was making him feel the way others made him feel.
I prayed I could be a vacuum and suck it all back in or to be a recorder and hit rewind. But I couldn’t and I fell to pieces. How could I be the one to make my son feel this way? I instantly tried to explain my position as a parent in regards to what I said. It is in regards to his health. He isn’t ‘fat’ and I certainly would never say that but we have been concerned about his habits and we know that as parents it’s mainly our fault! But it is a very very touchy topic, especially with a tween and the last thing I want him to feel is insecure or to have a bad self-image. What I said was out of love and for his health but it didn’t matter. He wasn’t listening. I knew it. I’ve been his age. I’ve tuned my parents out.
Downstairs the damn within me broke and I couldn’t stop crying. Inside I cried out to God to please help me mend this situation. Neal was home and asked what was going on so with choppy sentences I tried to get it out. By this time Seth was downstairs with us in the kitchen and Neal quickly picked up what had happened for we’d been discussing our concern and how to best get a grip on changing bad habits.
Thankfully my husband found the ‘right’ words and as I sat and cried like a baby, trying to let Seth know I’m his #1 supporter, that I love him for who he is and I would never want him to feel ‘fat’ or think I THINK he is… I can only pray that all the mending Neal did to try and justify my concerns that I’d let out were because we care for him, out of love and because as a family we need to change these habits together.
Neal asked for a hug and Seth stood in place. I walked away and Seth gave Neal a hug. 🙁 My heart is broken. Please pray for us.
Parenting … not for the weak of heart.
Blessings
Shannon