I’ve thrown the decision to include my interior thoughts on the final night of the vigil around for the past few days like a tennis ball in a heated singles match. Yes, let everyone in to what your ultimate struggle was…no don’t let them in because they might read into it what is not there or intended to be there because they were not the ones experiencing the struggle… yes include it because it might spark an understanding or help someone else with their own interior spiritual struggle….no, don’t because what if the enemy gets a hold of the true message and distorts it for the few.
The match ended in ‘love’ … 😉 until this morning and in prayer I feel called to let you in.
Blogs are often vomit on a page. They can be messy and repel readers or even cause an impulsive upchuck of opinions. I will keep this in mind as I move forward. 🙂
The message I received to deliver was ‘Why are you here?’ Why were we at WYD? What was it God was calling us to and what did He want to reveal to each one of us on our separate journey. When I began to speak to audiences and was discerning on how to decipher ‘my’ message and intent vs. what God wanted said a wise person told me “If God is not speaking to YOU in the message you are delivering then you need to go back into prayer and listen to what He wants to say.” I’ve taken this valuable advice with me to every conference, talk, event, etc and have had the honor of growing spiritually with each speaking invitation. Granted, there were a few ‘fails’ in there, no one is perfect and it was obvious afterward that too much of ‘me’ was in the message.
During the final days of WYD I took to heart the message God was asking me to deliver. Why am I here? This WYD was already feeling different for me than my experience in the past. When I would ponder this question the main answer for me would be ‘to hear the message’. What God did for me on that Wednesday morning, answering my prayer by forcing me to ‘get out of the boat’ was a gift. I knew there was more I needed to ‘hear’. Friday drew closer and I took an afternoon off from the other events to pray and discern the exact message He wanted me to give in my talk. Originally I had prepared a talk on the theme for WYD:
Colossians 2:6-7 ~ So, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, walk in him, rooted in him and built upon him and established in the faith as you were taught, abounding in thanksgiving.
But I read further and it was the next verse that grabbed my attention.
Colossians 2:8 ~See to it that no one captivate you with an empty, seductive philosophy according to human tradition, according to the elemental powers of the worldand not according to Christ.
The familiar heat of the Holy Spirit rushed through me as He revealed the message that I needed to hear and deliver. Thursday night before my talk I attended adoration and ran into a friend I hadn’t seen in years (yes, this happened to us ALL even with 2 million people in the area!) and as we were talking about what I felt called to say the next day he said, “Sometimes God takes everything away from you till all you are left with is Him.” This statement caught my heart and I took it into adoration before the Eucharist. I meditated on this as well as everything else He had given me and then I had this distinct thought ‘BUT you have to be WILLING to let go.’ I then pictured this little kid with a dumdum lollipop and the dad trying to take it away from him because he wanted to show him that he was offering him a bigger sucker (the large round rainbow kind) and possibly the entire candy store! But the kid doesn’t know this, they hold onto the sucker tight with both chubby hands clenched around the tiny stick, tears streaming down their face, mouths open wide with glass shattering screams.
There are times we don’t even realize what we are holding onto is a stick of dynamite covered in a thick candy shell.
Friday night, after my talk I began to interiorly process what I might be holding on to. On the walk/hike to the fields I listened to a young woman tell me about her life for the past two years and the ways in which she was ‘holding on’ to so many unnecessary vices but now she felt ready to let go. It is a privilege to hear others accounts of what God is doing in their life so despite the lack of water and extreme heat the walk was blessed with testimony to God’s love.
Standing there in the heat, thirsting for water, ignoring the crickets, doing my best to keep the area for the rest of my group I took it as it was. At this point I did not know there was no water for the group. I wasn’t jumping up and down with excitement but I took it as the experience, anticipating the vigil and morning Mass with the Pope. As the hours drew on, the battle to keep our space more intense, the lack of water now obvious, I asked myself the golden question, “Why am I here?”
To hear His message. To have adoration with the Pope. To be with my group and see where God takes our conversations. To experience Mass with the CHURCH and receive Him in the Eucharist.
As the sun beat down and the day wore on I would think about these things and it would help to endure. Then when the group finally showed up and we had three pilgrims instantly go to the infirmary the scene changed. I suddenly was in a different mode of leader. What is best for the group? I went to sit with one of the pilgrims who was being tended to by a volunteer (the same one I eventually ended up praying over) and that is when I learned about how the water was intentionally being shut off. The thickness of the evil weighed so heavy on my chest it felt as if I might be suffering a heart attack, but I knew better, I’d felt it before. Anger arose within me and brought tears to my eyes.
“Fight for you! Fight the seduction and empty philosophies of this world that will get you only a stick of dynamite covered in a candy coating. You want to be worth more, accept the fact that your worth is what Christ died for.” (Something to this effect came out in my talk on Friday.)
I left those three pilgrims in the infirmary and headed back to our site to see how the others were doing. I was in constant dialogue with God on the walk back, “What should I do?” I asked. As a leader do I keep the group there when there was still at least 3 more hours of intense heat and no water to replenish them? I found Fr. TJ and discussed the options. This is when I found out that there would most likely not be Eucharist available to anyone but the priests and a select few that were sitting close to the stage. “If I didn’t have such a good seat for Mass I’d be going,” Fr. TJ said. We decided the group were all adults and we would leave it up to them, letting them know that if they felt unsafe or unable to continue in the conditions that we were experiencing they were free to leave. That is when one of the pilgrims who had suffered heat exhaustion on the day of the opening Mass chose to leave (because she was very near to fainting and being out of commission again) along with a few of the other pilgrims who were concerned about their health. At this point this is when I had a long talk with my other priest friend and I told him what I was feeling inside. The anger, the frustration and the confusion. Why was I here? I asked this question again. He and I discussed my frustration with figuring out where I needed to be… do I go with the other pilgrims and make sure they are all okay because it is their health? Or do I stay and not allow the enemy to keep me from experiencing Christ in adoration and the Eucharist. This is when he said I would know when I have done what I needed to do, when it would be time for me to ‘go’.
It was at this point I went back to the infirmary and informed those three a group was leaving. One of the three chose to leave and the sickest one was still too weak to even leave the infirmary. This is when myself and that volunteer had our discussion on the presence of evil, if you can feel it, and how to be a prayer warrior to fight for others. I was very worried about this pilgrim who I knew needed to get back to the hotel but they wanted so badly to experience the vigil. So we decided to stay for Christ. Stay for adoration and then see how things were and if it would be safe to stay through the night so they could experience Mass.
I have already written what happened next. The walk to get their food, the walk back through the torrential downpour. Maybe now you can understand my interior battle as the winds whipped me around and the rain pelted my face. I was missing the Pope and whatever message he had to give because I was taking care of the group. I was not upset about that (and later I found out that it was in Spanish and we never had the ability to hear him in English) nor was I upset about the walk or the rain. It was part of the experience. But a different message came about as it became more difficult to see and walk. “Is this a message from God? Maybe this isn’t even the enemy. Maybe this is God saying “WAKE UP AND STOP BEING CAPTIVATED AND SEDUCED BY THE EMPTY PHILOSOPHIES OF THE WORLD!” As people were dancing around me in the rain, ignoring the Pope this message became more intense.
When I made it back to the camp and the rain stopped just in time for Christ to be revealed in the Exposition of the Eucharist I was stunned into silence. In that moment, on my knees, drenched to the tips of my toes, worn and weary from the exertion and heat of the day, I reclaimed the message He’d given to me a decade ago “Let go.” I have been receiving this all summer but this time the feeling came back. Meaning, in every decision, in every moment of every day, I will let go. What am I rushing for? What am I complaining about? Why am I here?
Adoration was too short. That’s a fact. I was there to receive the Divine Blessing. And as the Benediction was over, the Pope bid his goodbye for the evening and the rain started in again for a minute I did put on my poncho and thought I’d tough it out. But the interior dialogue was still going. Why am I here now? I would not be able to receive Eucharist because they would not have enough, half my group is ill and back at the hotel. “You’re done.” It was said to me in the way only Christ can speak to my heart.
He blessed the decision to leave with a talk that needed to be had between myself and another pilgrim who wanted to go. She began the trip not believing in Him at all and now she believes and is getting help through counseling to accept her worth. Who am I to say that we WEREN’T supposed to leave at that time in that moment to have that conversation?
Most of the few that stayed behind came back to the hotel the next morning when it was announced they would NOT receive the Eucharist…so we all gathered together and watched the Pope on TV…read the readings together in ENGLISH and came together as CHURCH.
Every WYD is a unique experience. I’ve given you the honest facts and my personal view. You can say that I should have thought this, or I need to see it in this way…but this is my journey and I do believe God reached me in the way I needed on my journey. The greatest gift I’ve received is the certainty in letting go every day. I do as I feel called and don’t fret about the hour in the day or feel anxious if it’s not enough.
Blessings
Shannon